Two-Headed Boy: Shaving Face

When we last talked, I was discussing the growth of my mustache and how I look like a cross between John Holmes and Colonel Sanders. That gives me an idea for a movie…but that’s probably best for another day —or a whole other “variety” of blog for that matter.

I have now been growing it for around three weeks, probably the longest I have ever had for a mustache. Sure, I’ve dabbled, but only in the traditional I-grew-a-beard-so-I-am-going-to-briefly-shave-it-into-silly-facial-hair type of way. This time I have purely been growing a mustache, making the growth unsightly all the way from its ‘stache infancy now to its ‘stache adolescence Also, I am incapable of growing dark facial hair so it almost is translucent, like someone taped rice to my face.

My motivation is just to weird-up The Clothing Store a little bit. Everything is so prim and proper — the idea of some sales associate with a creepy mustache lurking around brings a smile to my face. When I asked you “Do you like that t-shirt?” I might as well have been saying, “Wanna buy some Quaaludes?”

A hip section of our generation has embraced the ironic mustache for many reasons:

1)     It’s a tongue-in-cheek way to up your sleaze factor (Ron Jeremy).

2)     It’s a way to adopt a nerdy look, because you are so confident in your coolness that it doesn’t matter (Ned Flanders).

3)     You want to parody the idea of hyper-masculinity (Tom Selleck, Hulk Hogan, Mark Spitz).

A strange thing happened the other day, though. Some guy about my age came in, handsome in a founder-of-a-condescending-improv-group kind of way.

“Nice mustache, dude!” he said.

“Thanks.”

“Um,” he hesitated. “Mustache code, dude. You have to say something back.”

This guy had a sprinkling of ginger stubble around his face, topped by something that could be loosely construed as a mustache. It was almost a John Waters— a pencil thin lip lining that thanks to its redness was barely recognizable from its neighboring stubble.

“Sorry. Nice mustache.”

Homeboy felt validated and smiled at his hot girlfriend. I mean, he knows I won the battle (my Hulk Hogan-esque blonde handlebar did the talking), but maybe he won the war.

This guy’s “mustache code” left me thinking. Has the ironic mustache gone mainstream? Is there even such a thing as an ironic mustache anymore? Wouldn’t a real ironic mustache be one over your chin? One arbitrarily placed in the middle of your cheek?

I think mustaches are now in the dreaded Snuggie and Auto-Tune related-humor territory.  Everyone thinks they are treading fresh territory but, I mean, even Jimmy Fallon has a “mustache wrestling” sketch on his show where gigantic mustaches fight.

Could it be Ron Burgundy’s fault? I mean Anchorman is really, really awesome, but think of the variety of humor it has spawned that is .05% as funny. Take commercials like this.

Think that was funny? Doesn’t it just reek of Burgundy’s scotch-soaked breath though? What about this one?

That should have been laugh-out-loud funny. I mean, current Laker and former Gonzaga star Adam Morrison in any capacity is laugh-out-loud funny. Did you know he has one more ring than Sir Charles does? That idea is funnier than the commercial, which shows when delivered poorly (with Morrison’s cue card reading) mustache humor doesn’t kill it every time.

Watch me write a Super Bowl commercial.

(Two dudes are hanging out in shitty apartment)

Dude #1: “Dude, we’re out of Miller Light!”

Dude #2: “Don’t worry, I know just the thing to do”

(Dude #1 and #2 put on fake mustaches)

(Cut to dudes now inexplicably hanging out at party with P. Diddy and  models)

Dudes: “The Mustache ALWAYS does the trick!”

MILLER LIGHT: GOOD CALL!

Hear that fat cats? Two-Headed Boy can do more than fold clothes. I just wrote you a new commercial. Hey, replace beer with Old Spice deodorant or Axe body spray? Any dude product for that matter. WE’RE OUT OF CHOCO TACOS, BRO!

I love beer, deodorant, Choco Tacos and the Super Bowl — let’s not get it twisted. Mustaches still are funny but the market is over saturated — Advertisers have been raping the goldmine of Napoleon Dynamite awkwardness and Anchorman absurdity and mustaches have become a vital tool in their arsenal Maybe we can step our game up a little bit. What about the ironic goatee? I mean everybody hates goatees, so the time is ripe. The first person to look like this “guy” should be awarded a special prize.

I shaved this morning. All my hard work washing down the drain. It’s all for the best, though. I have to look presentable these next few days and a large blond mustache doesn’t exactly scream class act (or does it? I just wrote a CareerBuilder.com commercial in my head too!).

I’m not condemning mustaches. I’m sure I will have one again, and if I see yours, I will salute. Do it to make yourself laugh or maybe because you genuinely like yourself with a mustache — not because the whiskey commercial told you.

by Two-Headed Boy