Sol.: Stick It Up Your Orifice

October 29th, 2010

An ER can be a human resources nightmare at times. All the norms that apply in most job settings usually don’t apply.

Don’t get me wrong. People aren’t going around groping each other and making sexual advances.

It doesn’t go that far.

But given the nature of our work, certain topics considered inappropriate for other work places are common in our discussions.

Take, for example, an ER classic — insertions.

I don’t know what it is about someone getting an object stuck in one of their orifices that really brings an ER staff together.

Someone starts recollecting, and we’re drawn in like children, sitting around a campfire listening to a ghost story.

The funniest part of these tales is not that someone stuck something up their orifice. The funniest part is how they’ll never admit it — not initially, anyway.

They’ll say things like: “I’m not sure what’s wrong. My stomach’s been hurting….”

Or: “The pain started suddenly late last night….”

The closest anyone will ever come to a confession is: “I think something might be up there….”

But they won’t come out and say it. It’s too embarrassing.

Even Doc Tanner never had to extract one of these….

The king of insertion stories in our ER is Dr. Tanner, a 20-year-vet.

It’s hard for someone to say they’ve seen it all working in emergency medicine, but when it comes to insertions, it’s safe to say Doc Tanner comes close.

He told me a story the other day about a preacher who frequently showed up with different things stuck up his backside.

Supposedly, the guy would drive 50 miles from where he lived to avoid going to hospitals in his area for fear of being recognized by a member of his congregation.

Doc Tanner started: “The guy would come in with this walk that looked like something was literally stuck up his butt.”

By that time in his career, Doc Tanner had seen his fair share of insertions. That didn’t faze him. What got to him is how the guy would always deny what he had done.

“He kept denying that he stuck something up his ass,” said Dr. Tanner. “I would ask: ‘How did it get up there, then?’ And he would say, ‘I don’t know?’”

This back-and-forth continued for several months.  And then one day, the preacher was brought in by ambulance. He was at a “friend’s house” in the area.

As the paramedics rolled him in, the preacher was on his stomach. A sheet covered him.

Doc Tanner could see something was protruding from his behind. It was covered by the sheet.

“So, what do we have today?” he asked the preacher.

The preacher man looked at the Doc, blushed, and said, “Doc, it appears somehow, an axe handle has made its way up my ass.”

“Oh,” replied Doc Tanner. “Another accident.”

Editor’s NoteSol.‘s last post for The Third City was Jesus Meets the Devil at the ER….

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