Sofia: The Cubicle — A True Story

As an administrative assistant in a corporate office, I have seen my fair share of cubicle walls. And after spending a significant chunk of each day locked up in these prisons of metal and fabric, I have to ask: Who thought that was a good idea?

It’s become obvious to me that something so needlessly awful could only have been thought up by a select team of evil masterminds. I’m thinking a dark dingy room and a round table discussion between Ed Rooney, Bill Lumbergh and Dr. Evil. Because only Ferris Bueller’s fun-squashing principal, the passive-aggressive boss from Office Space and Austin Powers’ arch enemy could have thought of something so uninspiring.

I think the conversation went a little like this:

Ed: Well, you all know why we’re here today. It’s been brought to our attention that productivity levels in the workplace are sub par and as experts of evil and efficiency we have been assigned the ultimate task of whipping the office dwellers of this world into shape. So what have you come up with? Yes, Bill?

Bill: I’m thinking we’re gonna need to go ahead and put up walls. You know, just to separate them and avoid interaction.

Dr. Evil was there for the creation of the cubicle….

Dr. Evil: Yes, I like that; claustrophobic chambers of solitude. And we’ll surround them with shark tanks!

Bill: Ah, you know I hadn’t envisioned sharks but we could probably go ahead and talk about that later.

Ed: Yeah, Dr. Evil I’m not sure about shark tanks….

Dr. Evil: Sharks work!

Ed: I’m sure they do, but…

Dr. Evil: Freakin’ idiots.

Ed: Moving on. As far as the atmosphere of the workplace I was thinking something very neutral and bland. We want to avoid the possible distraction that bold colors or any individuality could cause. Uniformity is the key to productivity.

And so was principal Rooney….

Bill: And while we’re at it, we should go ahead and create light fixtures to replace natural sunlight. We can’t have people craving the outdoors when they should be inside working.

Ed: Good point, Bill. Yes, Dr. Evil?

Dr. Evil: Gentleman, I have a plan that would create a great sense of foreboding.

Ed: I like that, can you be a little more specific?

Dr. Evil: We find a way to make them feel like prey, like they’re constantly being hunted.

Ed: How so?

Dr. Evil: We can surround their desks with a pool of water filled with large man eating fish.

Bill: You mean like a shark?

Dr. Evil: No… I was thinking more like a giant piranha.

Ed: Dr. Evil, I’m going to have to ask you to stop suggesting anything involving a pool of water and large aquatic creatures. But you are on to something. I like the foreboding. We can strategically place each person so that their superior can pop in unexpectedly. Keep them on their toes.

Dr. Evil: Ooo, and Nothing keeps people on their toes like a laser! We should give one of those to every supervisor. Then they can pop in unexpectedly with a freakin’ laser!

Ed: I’m afraid I haven’t made our mission clear. We’re not trying to kill these people. We’re just trying to bore them into a state of advanced productivity.

Dr. Evil: That’s something that could have been brought to my attention before I spent hours creating this list.

Ed: Sorry Dr. Evil. Let’s hear the rest of it. We might be able to tweak a few of the ideas.

Dr. Evil: The rest of it?

And this, my friends, is how the cubicle came to be. Okay, so maybe it’s not 100 percent historically accurate, but I’m pretty sure it’s close.

By Sofia

Editor’s Note: Sofia‘s last piece for The Third City was Judge Judy….

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