Sam Adams: Jogging for Twilight

July 15th, 2010

To officialize my status as a resident of the effete Lake Shore Drive high-rise community, I have recently taken up the practice of jogging, or yogging (“it might be a soft j”) as the great Ron Burgundy would call it.


Apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It’s supposed to be wild.”

Up until a few weeks ago, I’d never been a fan of jogging, or for that matter, any sort of physical activity that does not have an obvious competitive goal to it (i.e., sailing, cricket, yardwork). I mean, how excited can one really get about the prospect of mindlessly going down a road, out of breath, baking in the sun, amidst a sea of people also devoid of logical behavior? Sounds more like a visit to Taste of Chicago than a voluntary form of exercise.

Adapting  was not easy. For starters, my previously noted indelible fashion sense was not conducive to such behavior; apparently baggy Fubu shorts from sixth grade and a Larry Johnson Hornets jersey stick out like sore thumb in this short-shorted, shirtless crowd, the majority of whom look like stunt doubles for Team Jacob.

Being more of a Team Edward guy –the pale, skinny, brooding type whose face glistens from over-exposure to harmful UV rays- I knew that an hour of such foolish behavior could have ill-fated consequences.

TeamJacobEdwardIt’s a tough decision…

With these crippling disadvantages in mind, I began pondering my many similarities to the misunderstood Cullen clan:  My extreme good looks,  my appetite for animal blood, my dazzling handsomeness, my prodigal baseball abilities, my night-owl tendencies, my … Wait, what were those last two? Athletic prowess and a nocturnal bent. It could only mean one thing!


All of a sudden my fears of The Bad Sport were eclipsed; a new moon had risen (Please refer all death threats for the last pun to Mr. Benjamin Jay, Esq.).

I guess it’s kind of like that joke about the three astronauts sitting at the bar, one trumping the next with stories of interplanetary discovery until one (the Polack when I tell it) exclaims:

“Mars is nothing! I am going to the sun!”

“How on earth will you do that without being burned alive?” His nervously laughing counterparts inquire.

To which the genius Pole decries, “I will go at night!”

Yes, I will go at night, I thought. And so I did.

My girlfriend –the Lance Armstrong of jogging- and I met at the lake to christen my new activity, one that would have old Jimmy Naismith turning in his grave.

6a00d8341cb36153ef011570226ba5970b-500wiWhat I’m up against….

I’ll admit it isn’t refined yet. I still have to figure out a strategy for this thing other than who can go furthest and fastest, because as much as I hate sports that have no competitive goal, I also hate sports that I am incapable of winning.

Anyways, the run was a success–limited sweat, zero sun exposure, a small step towards Team Edward-like abs- but I realized something as the game wore on. There were hundreds of others just like us. Others who did their work by the light of the moon. Other vamp—I mean , other Night-Joggers.

She recognized my displeasure.

“What’s the matter, dearest?”

“Nothing, just thought we’d be the first ones. Here I am thinking I’m Buzz Lightyear—“

“You mean Buzz Aldrin?”

“Yea, him, and then I end up being more like one of those second-rate Russians. Of course, it could simply be a matter of simultaneous invention…”

“Sure. That’s gotta be it.”

“Anyways, I’ve got a new idea.”

“What’s that, dear?”

“Fuck Team Edward.”


“Fuck Team Edward. I’m switching to Team Jacob. Sunlight’s not the worst thing in the world. Besides, I’ll get better abs if I’m on Team Jacob.”

By Sam Adams

Editor’s Note:  Sam’s last piece was his truly outstanding photo essay of Blackhawk fans…..

2 Responses to “Sam Adams: Jogging for Twilight”

  1. […] Note: When last seen, Sam was thinking about Twilight while taking up jogging. By the way, the Bulls song in question is Gary Glitter’s Rock `n Roll (Part 1 & […]

  2. […] to our retiring Mayor Daley, Sam Adams is taking pictures of drunk Blackhawk fans or writing about Twilight among other things. For more on Mayor Daley’s future plans, click […]

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