Jim Siergey: Self Idolation

March 23rd, 2020

This self isolation has been tough on some people, or so I have heard.

It hasn’t bothered me. In fact, I have used all this extra Me Time to concentrate and work on ME!

I have a bunch of much-neglected workout equipment in my basement, a weight bench, a treadmill, Nordictrack—the works. I chased away the dust bunnies and cobwebs and began using them religiously.

The results have been amazing. My biceps glisten, my abs are so rock hard I could scrub clothes on my stomach. I can’t wear Skinny Leg pants anymore because my calves have grown to the size of cantaloupes. My shoulders have grown so broad and brawny that I have to walk through doorways sideways. My forearms put Popeye to shame.

My transformation, as I stated in the previous paragraph, has been amazing. There’s no other word for it. If my fingers hadn’t become so muscle-bound I could flip through the pages of a thesaurus to find some other words but I can’t so I’ll just stick with ‘amazing’.

rockyandeggs

First thing in the morning…

 

I literally leap out of bed at five each morning because I’m so excited to begin my regiment. After downing a glass of two raw eggs and a cup of Java I’m ready to start my seven hour workout. I tell ya, the whole house is shakin’ as I run roughshod through my routine.

After I’m done I take a nice long steamy shower and pat myself dry with toilet paper. Yes, toilet paper. I have stockpiled so much that I’ll never go through it all so I use it in lieu of a towel. One can never tell what kinds of germs are lurking in those tiny terrycloth fibers.

I also use TP for drying dishes and washing my car.  I’ve made an art form out of it. In fact I have also toyed with creating toilet paper origami. Boy, you don’t want to know how many rolls I had to go through before I was finally able to shape an acceptable swan.

After a lunch of quinoa burgers and acai shakes, I settle down to clean my guns.

I have quite an arsenal–pistols, submachines, rifles, Ak-47s and even muskets. I recently got a good deal on a howitzer from eBay. I’m on hand grenade pins and hypodermic needles waiting for its delivery.

One has to keep all this weaponry oiled, greased and clean so that when it comes time to use ‘em, they won’t, like poorly constructed Florsheims, fail you.

Why all this weaponry, some of you prickly pansies and namby pamby know-nothings, may ask?

The answer is so obvious that I hesitate to type it out, but I will. They are for protection, man, protection! Who knows what will occur over the coming months? We may be inundated with hordes of Virus Zombies. No one knows for sure the effect this COVID-19 will have on people. Ya gotta be ready for anything.

If there are no Virus Zombies, there will still be people looking for food as well as what has become our most precious commodity—toilet paper.

I gotta stand my ground. It’s every man for himself in this dog wipe dog new world. We have to become our own rear guard.

So, that’s how I’ve been using my self-isolation time and I believe I’m a much better person for it. As for you folks, well, keep on keepin’ on but keep it at least six feet away from me cause I’m fully loaded.

 

Editor’s note : Jim’s last post for The Third City was I, Coronavirus

 

 

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