Jim Siergey: Roundtable

June 15th, 2017

Donald Trump’s recent cabinet meeting, where he went around the table and listened to each cabinet member’s evaluation of and true feelings about Himself, inspired me.

I’ve been feeling a bit down in the dumps lately and in need of a good ego boost so I gathered some family and friends around the dining room table and asked them to deliver their evaluations of and feelings toward me.

I was going to go so far as to wear a red tie but I didn’t want to unfairly influence anyone. So I stuck with my Pierogi Fest T-shirt from Whiting, Indiana. I admit that I was using it as a subliminal message to infer what a world traveler I am. It was a toss up between that one and my Save the Spindle T-Shirt from Berwyn.

Seated around the table were several people who have known me for most or, at least, a good deal of my life. My wife was there as she was a bit too slow in coming up with an excuse as to why she couldn’t attend. My sister was there because I said there would be cookies. A few old friends rounded out the group.

One was there because he happened to stop by inquiring about a loan…and when he would see any repayment. Another came because I said there would be cookies and another because I said there would be beer.

I neglected to add that there would be beer if he brought any but plenty of nice cold water would be available.

Everyone was seated with their glasses of Lake Michigan Straight and a plate of Dollar Store cookies within reach in the center of the table so I began.

“So, my dear, my light of my life,” I purred to my wife, sitting on my right, “What do you have to say about the years you have spent as my partner in this long and winding road we have traveled together on through the pitfalls and pinnacles of…”

spindlecermak

Gone but not forgotten…

 

“Must you?” she interjected.

“Wh-What do you mean?”

“Why must you embroider things so? It takes you forever to get to the point. In fact you rarely do get to the p—”

“I’m sorry, but…”

“Excuse me! You’re interrupting. How many times have I told you how much that bothers m—”

“Many times, but I—”

“You just did it again.”

“Yeah, but…”

“Besides your constant interruptions and your beating about the bush, you mumble. You’ve spent so much by yourself over the years that you forget that you need to enunciate when you’re speaking to another human being.”

“Imsrybut…”

“WHAT?”

“Um, so, that’s your evaluation? I’m a long-winded, mumbling interrupter? Are there no positive aspects of my being?”

“Oh, there are plent—some. In all, you’re…okay.” She said with a shrug. And a smile.

I quickly turned to my sister.

“Surely, being your big brother, you have learned from me and I have earned some admiration.”

After putting down the cookie she had just bitten into and inspecting her tooth to see whether it had cracked or not, she replied.

“My memories of you are filled with the many times you ended your pouring of a glass of milk for me by extending it upon my hand and up my arm and how you would stick your finger into the middle of my cupcake and tell me that I now have a donut and how you would…”

“NEXT!” I quickly hollered.

“Wasn’t there supposed to be beer?”

“Thank you. Next?”

“You’re a nice guy, Jim, but regarding that money, I could really…”

“Oh, my, just look at the time. I’d like to thank you all for coming h—”

“Hey! I didn’t get to say anything yet.”

“Oh, alryt. Gohed.”

“WHAT?”

“I said go ahead.”

“Ah, okay. These cookies suck.”

As you can see, my round table ego boost turned out differently than did Donald Trump’s.

I should have worn the tie.

 

Editor’s note: Jim’s last post for The Third City was Loving Joan Baez

 

2 Responses to “Jim Siergey: Roundtable”

  1. Pat Kremer says:

    The next time you assemble your round table I want to be included as I’ve always wanted to be the Dorothy Parker in the group just like the Round Table discussions a the Algonquin Hotel where words were always clever, didn’t require editing and rolled off the tongue straight into the pages of The New Yorker. Inviting siblings is always risky as they remember too much and never arrive at a meeting with accolades in tow. Nix the guest with the beer. He’ll be too truthful. As for wives, you’re going to wait a long time to hear anything close to a hearty “well done” unless the lawn is edged to perfection. Even our current First Lady slaps Trumps little hands away on live TV. I guess that’s why she wasn’t at Trump’s table with the other suck-ups.

  2. Pat Kremer says:

    The next time you assemble your round table I want to be included as I’ve always wanted to be the Dorothy Parker in the group just like the Round Table discussions at the Algonquin Hotel where words were always clever, didn’t require editing and rolled off their tongues and straight in the pages of the New Yorker. inviting siblings is always risky as they remember too much and never arrive at a meeting with accolades in tow. Nix the guest with the beer. He’ll be too truthful. As for wives, you’re going to wait a long time to hear anything close to a hearty well done unless the lawn is edged to perfection. Even our current First Lady claps Trumps’ little hand away on live TV. I guess that’s why she wasn’t at Trump’s table with the other suck-ups.

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