Jim Siergey: Regrets

February 28th, 2021

Regrets, I’ve had a few. I’ll bet that you do too.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to get all Paul Anka on you. Nor am I going to delve deep into my soul and wrench out all my private regrets and lay them upon this clean white monitor like so much dirty laundry.

I do, however, have one regret that I can finally speak publicly about and it’s a revealed regret that will not make you cringe. Well, it might but at most, it will make you shrug. Whatever, it still eats at me.

Quite a few years ago I had an old wooden chair. It was one of several but they were not a matched set.  The others had the standard square seats but this one in particular had a rounded seat. Over the years, this seat cracked and I eventually removed the shattered remains leaving a chair with a rounded opening. I liked the way it looked.

Here’s where my brainstorm came in.

I would paint the chair red and black, the team colors of the Chicago Bulls. Then I would attach a basketball net to the open seat. Below that I would place an old metal dish pan. Atop the open seat I would attach a toilet seat. Finally, as a coup de grâce I would paint upon the slats of the chair back these words:

“Michael Jordan’s Slam Dump Toilet Training Chair”

Voila!  It’d be an objet d’art! It was amusing, arty in a Marcel Duchamp sort of way and even, dare I say, practical. I actually had an old toilet seat lying around and I already had the dish pan and the chair. All I needed was a basketball net, paint and desire. Oh, and gumption.

That’s what I didn’t have…gumption.

You can tell how long ago it was that I had the idea since I was going to use Michael Jordan’s name. As time passed and my idea remained an idea, I could have painted the chair any color and renamed it something non-dating like “NBA Slam Dump Toilet Trainer”.

But I didn’t.

Eventually we moved and neither the seatless chair nor the toilet seat made the trip. Now, one of the other chairs has a busted seat but it’s a square one so it won’t do. That other chair was perfect.

Alas, that objet d’art does not exist due to my inertia, my laziness, my lack of gumption.

Just think! I could have exhibited it somewhere. It could have caused a stir in the art world. It could have ended up in a museum. Michael Jordan could have heard of it and bought it from me for an obscene amount of money. It could have been manufactured and mass produced. I could have been the Potty Chair King!

Yes, I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of what I am, what a Brit sits on in a Loo.

So, yes, regrets, I’ve had a few. One of them dealt with poo.


Editor’s note: Jim’s last post for The Third City was Brain Fuel

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