Frank Coconate: My Hairy Ass — a True Story!*
My whole life, I’ve had a hairy ass.
The day I was born, Dr. Vitacco slapped my ass and said, “What the fuck – look at all this hair!”
At first, it was sort of a secret. Only me, my doctor and my parents knew about it.
Then in seventh grade, we started taking showers in gym.
This one kid, Eddie Shellcross, took a look at me and said: “Hey, Coconate, what the fuck’s with all that hair on your ass?”
I said, “Hey, Shellcross, you fuckin’ homo – quit lookin’ at my ass!”
This other kid, Lyle Benedetto – I used to sleep at his house all the time. He told me, “Frank, my mother said your fucking ass hair is clogging up the shower drain.”
I said – “Lyle, what the fuck can I do? I got a hairy ass!”
I bet Will Ferrell has a hairy ass….
By the time I got to high school, I started getting self conscious cause guys would be giving me so much grief….
Like: “Hey, Coconate, how do you comb that shit? With a pitchfork?”
Or: “Hey, Coconate – how do you cut that shit? With a lawn mower?”
I got so self-conscious, I started wearing underwear in the shower.
Word spread. Everyone knew I had a hairy ass. Even the girls.
I had girls coming up to me in the cafeteria, going: “Hey, Frank – is it true you have a hairy ass?”
I’m like, “Yeah….”
They’re like: “Wow!”
And Seth Rogen….
The weird thing is – it turned them on!
This one girl paid me five dollars to show her my hairy ass.
You know, when I think about it, having a hairy ass has its benefits.
I still have a hairy ass, by the way. What the fuck – I’m not gonna shave it!
My wife puts up with it. When she first saw it, she said: “Oh, my god, where did you get all that hair!”
I said: “Should I shave it, honey?”
She said: “No, don’t bother – it’ll just grow back thicker.”
I remember this one guy – a cop named Vito Indelli — staring at me in the shower, after we’d been playing basketball at the Irving Park Y.
I said: “Hey, Vito — what the fuck you staring at?”
He said: “It sure ain’t your dick, asshole. You have a hairy ass.”
I get a lot of jokes about it. Bald guys come up to me to say: “Hey, Frank – can I use some of the hair on your ass for a hair transplant.”
Ha, ha, ha. Everyone’s Joey Bishop, when it comes to my hairy ass.
When I told Benny Jay I wanted to blog about my hairy ass, he asked: “Are you sure you want to go public with this?”
I said: “What the fuck! It might be good for some other hairy-ass guys — maybe this will open doors for them.”
Anyway, that’s my hairy-ass story. It ain’t pretty — but it’s true….
*As told to Benny Jay….
Editor’s Note: Welcome to The Third City, Frank!
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