El Dragon: Men of Letters

I don’t know what it is about the practice of law, but the legal profession has a disproportionate number of weird and fucked up people.

To be clear, when I say “weird” and “fucked up,” I don’t mean disreputable or unethical like the stereotypical “shark” and “ambulance chaser.” Although, I’ve met a number of those during my legal career.

No, I mean social misfits.

Some lawyers are sharks, like my man Mickey Rourke….

Some attorneys, for instance, are creepy. I stopped counting all of the attorneys I’ve seen wandering the hallways in the courthouse talking audibly to themselves like patients of a mental institute. I’ve also run across several attorneys that sit the entire day in a virtually pitch-dark office as if they were fucking vampires.

How many doctors do you think would have successful practices if they went around acting like Son of Sam or Dracula? Not many, but attorneys can get away with it.

The creeps, however, don’t bother me much because they tend to isolate themselves. It’s the über-annoying assholes that I’m weary of because they have a knack for fucking up a good time.

And some act like creepy car salesmen….

Not too long ago, I ran into an attorney that is quintessentially fucked up.

I was drinking with mixed company when this guy joined the group. At first, he seemed your average white dude. But, it didn’t take long for this guy to get really loud and obnoxious.

“Yeah, can I poke you?” he repeatedly shouted at a woman in the group who was talking about how she was new to Facebook.

“I want to poke you!”he went on in a sad display of horniness. “Yeah, I’ll tag you!”

Our disgust at his behavior was as palpable as the nasty pheromones he was emitting.

The night progressed and this guy proved to be not only a lecherous buffoon, but an arrogant bastard as well.

“Qué pasa?” he asked the busboy, who was tending to our table.

“You know Spanish?” the busboy responded.

“I know some Spanish,” he answered with a condescending air. “I am a man of letters….”

Now, the term “man of letters” is an idiom used in modern times to describe intellectuals, usually scholars or writers of note. The late Nobel Laureate Octavio Paz was a “man of letters.”

This douche bag, on the other hand — not so much.

Sensing that he was belittled, the busboy asked:  “What’s a ‘man of letters’?”

“He just means that he went to college,” I interjected, hoping to mitigate the slight.

“No, that’s not what I meant,” the lawyer insisted. “I’m a man of letters….”

“How do you figure, motherfucker?” I said angrily. “We are all attorneys at this table. Some of us, unlike you, educated at the most elite institutions of higher learning. Yet, you presume to be a man of letters?”

“Yes,” he snidely replied. “For only I among this group studied ancient Greek texts as an undergraduate.”

“That doesn’t mean shit,” I said when the busboy stole my thunder.

“In that case, I’m also a man of letters,” the busboy said triumphantly. “For   I’ve learned every Greek swear-word from my boss and you’re what the ancients called a malaka!”

The table roared with laughter and all the Man of Letters could utter was “touché.”

By El Dragon

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