Rolando: Shift Change/Quitting Time

March 18th, 2017

-What’s up man?

-I’m here, right?

-I know it.

-Let me get this shit show started. What’d you got?

-Room 12 needs blood cultures drawn…. 16 is a real asshole, but you need to get a urine sample for the Utox screen, doc won’t let him go until you get that…. 20 needs a post mold on his right hand…

-…Motherfucker did you do any work today?

-We were slammed, bro.

-Slammed my ass. I saw you bull shitting in the hallway with that one Asian transporter chic.

-I got her number, though.

-Must’ve took you all day with what little your ass got done.

-I got it, though.

-Fuck it. Tell me what else I gotta do to clean up your mess.

-That’s it, bro.  Shit, you got time, you’re here all night. I don’t know why you’re bugging out. I’d clean your shit up if you needed me to.

-My bad, man. I’m fucking tired. I got home this morning and they’re doing construction on my block. I couldn’t sleep.

-Working nights is a bitch.

-Working nights is a bitch. Working nights in this ER, is a motherfucker.

-So quit.

-You going to pay my rent? You feeding me, too? Cause lord knows I can barely afford to do both with what we get paid.

-I know what’s up, bro. But it sounds nice, right? ‘Just quit.’

-It sure does.

‘Just quit.’ Fuck it.

-On some, “Half Baked”  shit, right?

-Yeah, “Fuck you, fuck you, you’re cool, fuck you, I quit.”

-No, straight up, how’d you do it, quit?

-I’d put some trauma sheers to my scrubs, cut the sleeves off my top and most of the legs on my pants, start there, walk around with some short, shorts scrub pants and sleeveless top.

-Knee-high socks with your short scrubs?

-There’s no other way.

-You’re stupid.

-Then I’d make my rounds with the asshole frequent flyers that treat us like shit and freak them the fuck out.

-What about Mrs. Avers?

‘Ma’am, I know you came into the ER tonight to have your chronic sniffle checked out, but we ran some extra tests and found that you have exactly one hour, nine minutes, 12 seconds to live due to a fatal sniffle disease called “People get colds in the winter time.” Yes, ma’am, I am a medical professional. Yes, ma’am, I am wearing short, shorts scrubs.’

-Ms. Johnson?

Yes, ma’am, turkey sandwiches are all we have in the ER. Yes, ma’am, I know that after your sixth one, it can kind of get disgusting. No, ma’am, we don’t have ham, so your seventh one will probably make you feel worse than your sixth one. 

-What about Percy Hawkins?

‘Mr. Hawkins, sir, Mr. Hawkins. Have you slept your hangover off? You feel better? Good. Get the fuck out, asshole. And yes, I’m wearing short, shorts scrubs. 

-You are stupid.

-That’s how I’d do it.

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