Rolando: An ER Death

June 17th, 2017

I’m pretty sure I know how I’m going to die. In fact, I’m almost certain not only do I know how I’ll die, but I also know how my coworkers in the ER are all going to die, as well.

Not from work-related stress. That’d be too easy.


I’m pretty sure an unsatisfied customer is going to do us all in by poisoning.

How’d I come to that conclusion you might be thinking?

It’s simple.

Walk into our ER on a busy day and I guarantee you our folks are running around like crazy, trying to deal with various levels of  “emergencies” of which can include everything from someone who is genuinely sick and near death’s door, to a crazed psych patient, to someone who has had a cold for a day and hasn’t thought to take anything for it–all of which are demanding immediate attention.

We don’t have time for the simple things like bathroom breaks or lunches. So most of the time we’re running around with full bladders and empty stomachs trying deal with “emergencies”–both real and imagined–while trying to keep it all together.

This is where my theory comes in.

From time-to-time, food just shows up in our ER. I mean, not magically, but someone drops it off for the staff. Sometimes it’s a pizza, a tray of sandwiches, Chinese takeout–one minute we’re running around hungry and the next there’s food sitting in the middle of the nurses’ station and we’re all at it like a pack of wild wolves.

It usually starts off like this.

Someone will receive the food from a mysterious donor and place it at the nurses’ station. Next, someone will open it up and eat some and spread the word that there’s food.

Then the mad swarm happens and within minutes we’re all happily munching away and wondering out loud who brought the food.

“God I was starving.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“Who ordered Jimmy John’s?”

“Fuck if I know, Tony said some guy dropped it off at the front desk and said to enjoy them.”

“What guy?”

“I don’t know, some guy.”

“That’s strange…. Pass me another turkey sandwich.”

You see? That’s how they’ll get us. Now chances are it was the manager down at the sandwich shop trying to drum up some business by bringing over some free sampler sandwiches.

But who knows for sure?

Now up to this point no one has keeled over after eating free food that shows up at our door.

And if I’m being honest, no one probably ever will. But if you ever hear on the news that our entire ER staff was wiped out all at once, my bet is it was the free food.

Hell, at least we’ll all go out with full stomachs.

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