Letter From Milo: Easy Money

July 23rd, 2009

There are a lot of ways to make money in this world, but blogging is not one of them. In fact, writing a blog may be the only guaranteed way NOT to make money. The problem is that anyone can have a blog site. All you need is a computer with an Internet connection, which includes just about everybody in the First World. Talent or a point of view are not requirements.

Don’t get me wrong. I went into this blog thing with my eyes wide open. I knew there was no money in it. The way those two low-lifes, Big Mike and Benny Jay, explained it to me, The Third City blog would would be a way for the three of us to hone our craft and work on our writing chops, like musicians practicing scales. We could write anything we wanted. There would be no censorship. We would answer to nobody but our consciences, and I, for one, don’t have much of a conscience.

In essence, we would be entertaining ourselves.

(Milo) “Hey Benny, excellent bit about the track meet.”

(Big Mike) “Milo, your piece on Marriage Counseling was funny, man.”

(Benny) “Big Mike, great job on your bit about the flag.”

(Milo) “Mike, the story about Neda, the Iranian girl who was shot, should be featured in every newspaper in the country.”

(Big Mike) “Loved your last one, Benny.”

(Benny) “Milo, what did your wife say when she read Pussy Magnet?”

With so many blog sites out there, we figured there was little chance we would attract attention. It is a crowded field and getting more crowded all the time. We were resigned to laboring in well-deserved obscurity, our writing destined to be read by just family and a few friends.

Then, a funny thing happened. We began attracting an audience. When Big Mike and Benny Jay, computer geniuses that the are, finally figured out how to count the hits on the site, we realized that we were getting in the neighborhood of a thousand readers a week. As far as I was concerned, that was an astonishing number. Where were these people coming from? Who were they? And why were they interested in the ravings of three nutcases like Big Mike, Benny Jay and me?

The next question that occurred to me was: How can we make some money now that we’re attracting readers. Trying to screw my readers out of money was out of the question. It’s not that I wouldn’t like to, it’s just that many of them know me too well to fall for one of my scams, although I wouldn’t mind beating Bruce Diksas out of a few bucks. That’s always fun.

The answer, of course, was advertising. After all, that’s how the big boys, Google, Yahoo, and the porn industry, make money on the Internet.

So, now we’ve put up our first ads on The Third City site. Granted, we haven’t attracted IBM, Miller Lite or Chevrolet, although Big Mike is currently involved in some delicate negotiations with the three of them. From what I understand, we’re coming close to a deal. There’s just one snag to overcome. And that snag seems to be that IBM, Miller Lite and Chevrolet want absolutely nothing to do with us. But I’m sure that Big Mike, shrewd operator that he is, will eventually forge some sort of deal, and, on very advantageous terms.

In the meantime, we currently have two advertisers, my wife, the wonderful Mrs. Milo, who is hyping her real estate business, and a local video store. The problem is that both are getting free advertising. Mrs. Milo gets hers free just to keep peace in my household. And, from what I understand, Benny Jay offered the video store free advertising in exchange for unlimited access to the latest Swedish porn.

Hell, you’ve got to start somewhere. Our beginnings may be modest but, mark my words, in a couple of months we’ll be rolling in the dough. We’ll be standing in tall cotton, eating high on the hog, double parked on Easy Street. From here on in, it’s going to be Fat City, baby.