Letter From Milo: When The Well Runs Dry

Sometimes a person just runs out of ideas. It can’t be helped. The creative muse is a fickle, completely unreliable slut. On occasion, the most creative people can come up dry. I imagine that the immortal Thomas Edison had days when the light bulb in his head didn’t click on.

Columnists are particularly susceptible to dry spells. There’s something about a deadline and a blank page (blank computer screen, actually) that can rattle the most prolific of writers. Smart columnists, and there are a handful of them, have figured out a cheesy way to deal with dry spells. When they can’t come up with a piece they simply post letters from their readers, add snappy replies,  and call it a column. Even the great Mike Royko resorted to this ploy on occasion.

Well, it’s happened to me. I’ve hit a dry spell and can’t think of a thing to write. So, I’ve decided to fall back on the “letters from readers” gimmick. Here then, are a few letters from my faithful and adoring readers, followed by my snappy replies.

Letter #1

Motherfucker, where’s my money!

Snappy reply:

You’ll have to be more specific. Are you talking about a gambling debt, loan, bail-bond forfeiture or other fiduciary matter? Shit, wait a minute. Are you Bobby from Baltimore? How’d you find me anyway? I bet you Googled me and traced me back to this blog site. Damn it, I should never have let Big Mike, the Barn Boss of this crummy outfit, talk me into writing for this site. So far, it’s been nothing but a huge pain in the ass.

Letter # 2

Dude, I think there’s something wrong with that weed you sold me. I smoked three fat joints and all I got was a headache. Dylan, my roommate at DePaul, says you sold me a bag of oregano. I can’t believe you ripped me off. You seemed like such a nice guy when I met you at the Jimmy Buffet concert at Wrigley Field.

Snappy reply:

That’s what you get, dumb ass, when you buy weed from strangers. You’re a college kid, right? So how come you don’t have a decent weed connection. Show some initiative. When I was your age I had a half dozen solid connections. Matter of fact, I had a good pot dealer when I was 11 years old. He’d take my check, too. I don’t know what to think about this younger generation. It’s simple-minded young fuckers like you who make me worry about the future of this great country.

Letter # 3

This is the final letter you’re getting from me before I take you to court. Your last five child support checks bounced. School’s starting soon and and your little children need new clothes and school supplies. Plus, you haven’t visited your children in nearly five years. You’re a sorry excuse for a father. If I had my way I’d stick you in jail with all the other deadbeat dads. I mean it. You are disgusting.

Snappy reply:

Heh, heh, sorry about that. There must have been some sort of computer error at my bank. I’ll rectify the situation as soon as possible. But, first, could you clarify something for me? Are you Monica, Louise, Denise, Angie or Juanita?

Letter # 4

As a grandmother and concerned citizen, I find your writing extremely offensive. Why can’t you be more like those nice boys, Big Mike and  Benny Jay? Those fellows are real writers.  They write nice things about their families, and current events and sports, things that people really care about.  And they don’t use the vile language that you seem so fond of.  It seems to me that all you write about is sex, drugs, liquor, violence and more sex. I’m close to 90 years old and in poor health. The last thing I need is to be upset by the filthy writing of an obvious pervert.

By the way, is the Third City planning on having some articles about knitting and needlework in the near future?

Snappy reply:

I’m truly sorry to hear that you’re in poor health. I may be able to help you in that regard. I know a fine doctor up in Michigan who’s been known to work wonders with ailing senior citizens. His name is Dr. Kevorkian. He’ll even pick you up in his air-conditioned, fully equipped van and take you for a nice ride in the country. Please, there’s no need to thank me. As for your last question, I believe Big Mike is researching a column about  making doilies and Benny Jay is soon going to be posting his fabulous recipe for oatmeal cookies. Have a nice day.

Letter # 5

Hey, you low-life cocksucker, where’s my money!

Snappy reply:

Please refer to Snappy Reply #1.