Letter From Milo: Mr. Gay China

You can imagine my absolute shock when, just the other day, I learned that there were gay people living in China. I had no idea. I thought the only gay people in the world lived in the lower 48 states, with a few owning condo timeshares in some of the ritzier neighborhoods of Paris and London.

The Chinese are pretty tough on their gay population. Just the other day I read that the police broke up a parade that was to celebrate the coronation of Mr. Gay China. It must have been pretty tough picking one guy out of a population of a billion and a half people to represent gay Chinese, especially when, just a few years ago the Chinese government claimed that there were no gay Chinese at all.

The Iranian government also claims there are no gay people in their country. That must be the reason that Iran has terrible food, ugly architecture, no fashion sense, shitty haircuts, and no decent boutiques or antique shops.

I consider myself an extremely intelligent man, but there is one thing about gay people that confuses me. Where did they come from? If I remember correctly, there were no gay people at all in the USA until the early 1970s. They just appeared one day and made themselves at home. I was determined to find out where all the gay people came from, so I called my friend Benny Jay, who’s smart as a whip and asked him.

“Hey, Benny, have you noticed that there are an awful lot of gay people around?”

“Now that you mention it, I have seen a lot of them recently.”

“Well, where the fuck did they all come from?”

“Canada.”

“Canada? Are you sure?”

“Positive. It was all part of that NAFTA deal.”

“Makes sense to me. By the way, do you know anything about this Mr. Gay China?”

“Guy China? Yeah, he’s on my bowling team.”

“No, no. Mr. Gay China. He’s this dude that supposed to be the epitome of Chinese gayness. They were going to have a parade to honor him but the Chinese police broke it up. They broke a few heads, too.”

“They must not have had a parade permit.”

Someone once said that the quality of a civilization can be judged by the way it treats its elderly. A better measuring stick, in my opinion, would be judging a civilization by the way it treats its minorities.

So, what’s the problem with gay people? Why do countries as varied as China, Iran, and, yes, the good ol’ USA, discriminate against gays. As far as I know, gay people do not commit terrorist acts. They rarely agitate for separatist states. Their hygiene standards are above average. They throw great parties. And if they move into your neighborhood that usually means your property values are going up. Other than an aggravating fondness for Broadway show tunes, they are generally good citizens.

I was still confused about the origins of gay people after I got off the phone with Benny Jay. So, I thought I’d call Big Mike, the Barn Boss of this scabby, low-life outfit. Big Mike knows everything. The man’s a walking encyclopedia, an oasis of wisdom in a desert of ignorance. He knows more shit that Professor Irwin Corey.

“Hey, Big Mike, it’s me, Milo.”

“Make it quick, asshole, I ain’t got all day. I’ve got a blog to run.”

“Ok, no problem. Have you noticed that there are a lot of gay people around?

“So what.”

“Well, I was talking to Benny Jay and he said they all came from Canada, part of that NAFTA deal.”

“Benny Jay’s an idiot.”

“I thought so, because I know a gay guy and he’s from Ireland.”

“You know what, Milo?”

“What?”

“You’re an idiot, too.”

“Good talking to you.”

“Always a pleasure.”