Letter From Milo: Kiss Your Ass Goodbye

Well, it’s happened again. I am physically and emotionally incapable of writing my weekly column here at The Third City. I know this is a terrible disappointment for many of my readers who rely on me for insightful commentary, celebrity gossip and spiritual guidance. But this time I’ve got a good reason for letting my readers down.

You see, I still haven’t recovered from the ugly incident that occurred last week, when the two chicks I picked up at Swillagain’s beat me up in the parking lot of the Diplomat Motel on Lincoln Avenue and stole my wallet, car keys and one-hitter. I’ve pretty much recovered physically, but I’m afraid the emotional damage may be permanent.

Fortunately, I’ve discovered a trick that other columnists use when they are unable to come up with a column. Most of my idols in the column business – Royko, Popovich, Mrs. Shimkus, Standing Elk, Junior Gomez, and Lamar from Memphis – have resorted to this cheesy gimmick when time or inspiration run short. What they do is simply post a few letters from readers, add snappy replies, and call it a column.

Here then are a few letters from The Third City’s esteemed readers, followed by my snappy replies.

Letter #1:

Motherfucker, where’s my money!

Snappy reply:

Sis, that’s a real nice way to talk to your only brother. I don’t know why you’re being such a bitch about this. It’s just a poker debt. I was hoping you’d give me another week or two to come up with the money.

Milo’s sister plays poker like Annie Duke….

Letter #2:

Hey, Milo. I understand you’re a huge porn fan. I enjoy it, too. Can you recommend any good internet porn sites?

Snappy reply:

Yes, I spend most of my waking hours sitting in front of a computer, wearing my ratty bathrobe, smoking reefer and surfing the internet for porn. I enjoy all sorts of pornography, but my personal favorite is grainy, black and white Eastern European porn from the Stalin era. There’s something about hairy Slavic ladies wearing babushkas that drives me wild. That said, we all have different tastes in erotica. Here are a few sites you may find interesting:

NudeHighSchoolCafeteriaLadies.com
NunsGoneWild.com
SpankMyGrandma.com
HoosierFarmboys&TheirFlocks.com
TastesLikeChicken.com
BillLindenTheLostYears.com
ArethaFinallyGetsSomeRespect.com
HaulingAngela’sAshes.com
ThelmaAndLouiseMeetHaroldAndKumar.com

Hope you enjoy the sites, By the way, if you come across any interesting porn sites, please let me know.

Milo won the Hakeem Olajuwon award for excellence in international blogging!

Letter #3:

Dude! This nuclear proliferation thing is starting to scare me. I’ve been having nightmares for weeks. A lot of unstable countries have or are developing nuclear weapons. Some of these countries, like Iran and North Korea, are run by nutcases and religious fanatics. And now I heard that Syria is planning to develop a nuclear arsenal. I’m scared shitless that one of those countries is going to drop the Big One on us.

Snappy reply:

My friend, your fears are groundless. If anything, these second-rate countries should be afraid of us. The USA has more nuclear weapons than the rest of the world put together. And we’re not afraid to use them. Don’t forget, we’re the only nation on earth that’s actually used nuclear weapons. We dropped atom bombs on Japanese cities – twice! There’s no reason to think we won’t do it again if we run across some other uncooperative sons of bitches.

And if you’re worried about religious fanatics and nutcases running countries, wait until one of our fire-breathing, bible-thumping, right wing Christian fundamentalists becomes president. The Apocalypse can’t come soon enough for these bastards. They’re standing in line for the Rapture. They can’t wait to spend quality time with Jesus. They’re convinced the world is ending soon and they’ll do whatever they can to speed the process along. If you think Kim Jong Il is a maniac, just wait until one of our home-grown religious fanatics gets into the White House. Then we can all kiss our asses goodbye.

Letter #4

Hello to you, Mr. Milo. I am still being Dr. Victor M’Bogo, President of the Nigerian Society of Artistic Endeavors. I am sadly to be informing you that the 1.5 million dollar Hakeem Olajuwon Prize for Excellence in International Blogging cannot be released to your good bank in Chicago. The reason for this misfortune is that your check for $750, which was covering certain transfer fees, has bounced very highly. I am certain this was probably an error caused by your banking institution. So, please put in the mail another check in the same amount, preferably a cashier’s check, and we will send you the prize money most immediately. Thanking you most gracefully and may peace and blessings fall gently upon your head like warm golden showers.

Snappy reply:

Sorry about that, Dr. M’Bogo. I’ve had some financial reversals in the last couple of weeks, the main one occurring when my rotten fucking sister hit a club flush on the river to beat my three queens. But don’t worry, I’ve got some money coming in next week. As soon as I get my unemployment check I’ll send you the 750 bucks.

Letter #5:

Hey, Milo I’ve noticed that the quality of your mindless rants and ignorant opinions has deteriorated since Big Mike left The Third City. What ever happened to him?

Snappy reply:

We’re not sure what happened to Big Mike. Rumor has it that he’s working the Southern Indiana Gigolo Circuit and prospering.

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