Letter From Milo: Franz Kafka and Waterfront Alice

September 19th, 2009

I’m not 100% certain, but I think it was the great Franz Kafka who said, “Man, there’s always another layer on the shitcake.”

As if having heart surgery isn’t bad enough, now I’ve got something else to fret about. You see, before having heart surgery you have to have a dental examination. The purpose of the exam is to see if you have any oral infections, which can complicate the surgery.

So, I grabbed a cup of coffee at the corner beanery and a Sun-Times (for the crossword puzzle) and headed down to the Jesse Brown V.A. Hospital. I waited in the dental clinic for about half an hour, spending most of the time trying to figure out a seven letter word that means “Yo Mama” in Urdu.

When I finally entered the dentist’s office, I was gratified to see that the dentist had his diploma prominently displayed on the wall. It stated that his name was Dr. Frankie (Disco) Lopez and he was a graduate of the Triple A College of Dentistry & Bait Shop in Gary, Indiana.

After examining me for a few seconds the good doctor smiled sadistically and said, “Looks like I’m going to have to pull all four of your wisdom teeth and maybe a couple of others, just to be on the safe side.”

“What! Are you fucking crazy!”

“Dude, don’t get so excited. What’s the big deal? They’re just teeth. I pull a couple of hundred every day.”

“That’s not the point. You’re a dentist. You’re supposed to try and save teeth.”

“Save your teeth? Is that what you want to me do?”

“You might consider it.”

“Okay. No problem. I’ll save your teeth for you. I’ll leave them with the receptionist. You can pick them up on your way out.”

Needless to say, I’m going to get a second opinion, and a third and fourth if I have to. I’m not giving up a single tooth without a fight. Fuck ‘em.

Now, I want you to understand I’m not afraid of having my wisdom teeth pulled. Matter of fact, I’m not afraid of anything. I may be one of the roughest, toughest men you’ll ever meet. I’m mean as a snake. I eat leather and shit pointy-toed cowboy boots. I don’t use napkins when I eat ribs. I once fought Waterfront Alice to a draw in a savage street fight on Lincoln Avenue. I drink tequila without lime or salt. I prefer two-week old sushi to the fresh stuff, I am, in all respects, a bad, bad man.

There is, however, one tiny, itsy bitsy little thing that makes me a bit nervous. It’s called pain. I don’t want anything to do with it. Pain makes chickenshits of us all. I’m going to have enough pain when I undergo heart surgery. The pain of having wisdom teeth extracted is just going to add to the misery.

My eldest daughter, Nadia, had three impacted wisdom teeth extracted a couple of years ago and it broke my heart to see the pain she suffered. The worst thing a parent can experience is watching a child suffer and not be able to help.

The second worst thing is to suffer pain yourself.

So, I’m going to see if there are any alternatives to having my wisdom teeth yanked. I know wisdom teeth are worthless. All they do is cause problems. But i’ve grown fond of them over the years. I’d like to keep them a while longer.

NOTE: Big Mike, the Barn Boss of this decrepit outfit, and his lovely wife, Mrs. Barn Boss, recently relocated from Louisville, Kentucky to Bloomington, Indiana. According to Benny Jay, Big Mike snuck out of town in the middle of the night, owing seven-months rent on The Third City’s corporate offices in downtown Louisville. You’ve got to hand it to the Barn Boss. He’s always looking out for our best interests. Let’s all join in and wish Big Mike and his beauteous Mrs. health and happiness in their new home.