Big Mike: An Empty Life That Speaks Volumes

I’m worried about Benny Jay. His life has become an endless loop of walking his dog and confronting the fact that the rest of the world has gone far, far away.

Nothing happens in the guy’s life. Sheesh, inmates doing 25-to-life at Pontiac have more going on than he does.

If you’ve been reading him, you know about the dog. And you know about the time he and his lovely bride ran like thieves to catch the opening of the film “Soul Power,” fearing there’d be lines around the block. Turned out they and some winos were the only ones in the theater.

Speaking of movies, he was so pumped over the Coen Brothers’ new flick, “A Serious Man,” that all he wanted to do was talk about it. Only he couldn’t find a single other soul on this Earth who’d seen it. In the newspaper where they list the top grossing movies of the week, when “A Serious Man” opened they just printed Ben’s name next to it. He swears it’s true.

How about the time he couldn’t watch the Bulls 2009-10 season opener because he doesn’t have cable? They’re watching cable in some scientific outpost in Antarctica and — let me say it again — he doesn’t have cable.

Get this, he figured as long as he couldn’t see his beloved Bulls, he’d call somebody on the phone and they could watch the World Series together. Only no one he knew was watching the World Series.

One night not long ago, he watched his dog chase a housefly for the better part of the evening.

Here’s how unsophisticated Benny Jay is. Once, his wife asked him to pick her up at the lakefront after her evening outdoor yoga session there. Only Benny didn’t know that the lot he parked in to wait for her is a notorious meeting place for men looking for anonymous gay sex. He thought all the guys pulling up next to him and nodding were nothing more than a bunch of friendly fellas. The only thing that surprises me is that he didn’t find himself in a fleabag motel room with one of them before he caught on.

The man breaks my heart. He doesn’t know how to do crossword puzzles but he bowls, for chrissakes.

Here’s the saddest tale of all. He goes to a swanky north-suburban high school to lecture students about his vibrant, scintillating life in journalism and only two kids show up. And they had to be ordered to go.

Remember Ziggy in the comics? Benny Jay makes him look like Prince Harry.

It’s a shame his life is so barren. I can hardly believe it myself. I think I’ll have to read a few thousand more of his posts before I’m convinced.