Big Mike: A Nation Caught Without Its Pants On

September 23rd, 2009

I had one of those beautiful brain fart moments this morning. I was sitting in the hotel lobby, draining my first cup of medicinal java and deciding it was time for a second dose. So, I stood up to head to the urn. At that precise moment, I had a chilling flash — I’d forgotten to put my pants on!

Swear to god. The boys felt as though they were dangling in the breeze. I felt a draft on my behind. All the other guests whipped their heads around to gawk at me. I wanted to dive out the plate glass window into the pool.

Only I was wrong. I had indeed hitched up my drawers before leaving the room. Phew.

I have to confess, I have this same terror at some point every morning. Guaranteed, no matter what I’m doing — heading to Barnes & Noble, a meeting, or even to the backyard to mow the lawn — the hair on my arms stands on end and I panic that I’ve forgotten to put my pants on. Every single goddamned morning. Must be some weird obsessive, compulsive symptom. I’ll have to ask my shrink about it — it’ll be number 73 on my list of symptoms, questions and pleadings, but I’ll get to it eventually.

Today’s episode was so realistic that it caught me by surprise. I suppose I’m feeling particularly insecure and up in the air due to our current living situation — living out of a suitcase with the cats at a Hampton Inn hard by the Indiana University football stadium. I went on and on about the situation in my post the other day so I won’t belabor things here.

Except for this: the worst thing about it is that I’m forced to listen to Fox News on the lobby TV as I partake of my morning bracer. Jesus Christ, these people are from another planet! Here are today’s most important stories, according to the brain trust at Fox:

~ A man was sent to prison for forcing an eighteen-month old girl to inhale marijuana smoke;
~ Customers are leaving Bank of America in droves because a branch manager misinterpreted some corporate policy and wouldn’t allow the American flag to be displayed during a memorial for a soldier killed in Iraq (or Afghanistan, I forget which);
~ A daredevil was shot out of a cannon at a circus and he missed the net, breaking several bones.

Today’s special guest on the morning show was Miss America. I didn’t even know there still was a Miss America. And — again, my hand to god — every other commercial is for boner pills or dick extenders.

Fox News is the highest-rated of all the 24-hour news whores on cable TV. Think of it — an enormous swath of the American populace sees the world as as a place where people are forcing tots to smoke pot, banks are pissing on the American flag, and men being shot out of cannons and Miss America are still cultural touchstones. Add to these concerns the fact that the men all have limp dicks while their wives are gritting their teeth and you have one edgy gang.

No wonder so many people are freaked out of their minds that we now have a (half) black president. More from America’s heartland next time.