Big Mike: Garry Marshall Is Satan (This Post Has Nothing To Do With Dogs, China, Michael Jackson or Rush Limbaugh)

July 18th, 2009

You may have noticed we’re starting to run ads on this site. They look rather primitive, mainly because a guy with primitive skills (me) is designing them. The good thing is, our entire site is being re-designed by a brilliant geek we’ll call The Kid for now. So far his stuff looks great. If all works out well, our new look will be up within a week. Then we’ll disclose The Kid’s name and you damned well better start throwing some business his way.

The very first ad we posted was for Darkstar Video, over on Lincoln Avenue just south of Montrose. Mike, the guy who runs the place, will be running different movie lists every week in his ad. The first week, he listed the Five Best Drinking Movies. If you missed it, where the hell have you been? Mike’s next list (currently running) is the Five Best Las Vegas Movies.

I have my own decent collection of movies, about 275 in all. My tastes run in all directions, from Bruce Beresford & Horton Foote‘s “Tender Mercies” (perhaps the sweetest movie I’ve ever seen) to Fritz Lang‘s “Metropolis” to Godfrey Reggio‘s “Koyaanisqatsi.” I’ve spent the last dozen or so years collecting film noirs so I’m fairly confident I have every Jack Palance snarl, Richard Widmark lunatic giggle, and Barbara Stanwyck glare on celluloid.

My next collecting project will be 1950s science fiction. I’m particularly eager to get as many giant creature flicks as I can lay my hands on. Perhaps the master of such films was Bert I. Gordon who was responsible for “The Amazing Colossal Man” (an Army colonel is exposed to an atomic bomb test and grows to 50 feet tall,) “The Beginning of the End” (locusts – who looks suspiciously like grasshoppers – muck around in a silo of radioactive wheat and grow to 20 feet long,) and “Earth Vs. The Spider” (the title arachnid gets mixed up in radioactive gunk – natch – and grows to either 50 or 20 feet long or tall, I forget which.) Clearly, Bert I. was infatuated with radioactivity and bigness. Seems fitting, given his initials.

Anyway, last night, The Loved One and I collapsed on the couch and watched Peter Sellers in “The Party.” We were both wiped out from the long week yet Sellers as a subcontinent-Indian crashing a Hollywood party still made us guffaw. I figured, Hey, I can make a list, too. And I bet every movie on my list is available at Darkstar (man, am I a shill or what?) So, here are my Five Greatest Comedies:

“Some Like It Hot“
“City Lights“
“Dr. Strangelove (or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb)“
“Annie Hall“
“The Nutty Professor” (Jerry’s version)

Nothing too controversial here. I wanted to find a place for something from Jacques Tati (“Playtime,” probably) or “The Producers” or anything by the Coen boys, but, following Darkstar Mike’s lead, I limited myself to five. So, to make myself feel better about it, I’ve decided to make one more list – the Five Most Overrated Comedy Movies. Here they are:

“Pretty Woman“
“When Harry Met Sally“
Any of the Austin Powers movies
Anything with Adam Sandler in it
“It’s a Wonderful Life“

Now, there’s some controversy for you. Plus, I bet you’ll find any of these at Darkstar as well (shameless, ain’t I?) I had to place “Pretty Woman” at the top of the list because, well, Garry Marshall is Satan. Look at the facts – he’s responsible for the television shows “Happy Days,” “Joanie Loves Chachi,” “Laverne and Shirley,” “Angie” and “Blansky’s Beauties,” among others. He wrote scripts for “Gomer Pyle USMC,” “The Joey Bishop Show,” and “The Lucy Show” (you know, when Lucille Ball was milking every last drop of fame out of “I Love Lucy” despite having lost her edge and her timing, and having gained a gin-soaked, three-pack-a-day bellow.) Then – then! – he goes and directs a weird paleo-chauvinist fantasy about a typical, gorgeous, vivacious, drug-free, disease-free prostitute played by the shrill Julia Roberts. I tell you, the man is guilty of crimes against humanity.