Big Mike: Vajazzling

You want proof that human beings are sick and stupid? Here it is: the hottest new thing is vajazzling.

For the uninitiated, vajazzlers decorate their their female genitalia with jewels. The leading proponent of this craze is Jennifer Love Hewitt, who long, long, long ago starred in I Know What You Did Last Summer and since then has been so deservedly ignored that she was forced to, well, encrust her nether-asset in diamonds in order to get the attention she believes she so richly merits.

And you thought women having half-cantaloupes surgically attached to their pectoral muscles was a sure sign of the coming end of the world.

The End Is Near!

Maybe vajazzling is the last gasp manifestation of the Age of Reagan — you know, the fabulous three decades that gave us Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, real-life Gordon Geckos, McMansions, the Hummer H2, gazillion-inch flat screen TVs, Enron, Bernie Madoff and Lloyd Blankfein. I thought the Great Recession had cooled off this holy land’s fascination with greed and hyper-materialism. Maybe Jennifer Love Hewitt and her ovine followers are simply behind the curve.

Trendsetters

We can only hope.

Then again, as good old H.L. Mencken once wrote, “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public.”

Jennifer Love Hewitt may be too dense to understand that her glittery hoo-hoo is old hat. She’s certainly not smart enough to grasp the simple fact that having gems mashed into her honey pot makes her, de facto, a dope.

Of course, it could be that vajazzling is merely another benchmark in women’s long struggle for equality. Sexual expression is an historically recognized statement, a revolutionary demonstration even, in the liberation of the oppressed. Jennifer Love Hewitt et al may be announcing to the world that their vaginas are their own property, and they may do with them as they please. In that case, women have now achieved parity with the opposite sex — they are just as stupid as men.

My old pal Aaron Freeman passed on this video of the vajazzling process, via Gawker. The beauty of the whole clip is the woman who actually does the vajazzling (is she the vajazzler or is the woman who gets it done to her the vajazzler?) is embarrassed to say the word vagina!

Nice to know that the certified, professional woman to whom you’re entrusting your girl-junk has the sexual attitude of a kindergartener.

Don’t think I’m coming down hard on these people just because they’re women. I guarantee that if Lloyd Blankfein wasn’t too busy doing god’s work of raping the world economy, he’d be having his phallus gilded this very minute.

Maybe the creationists are right and Darwin and his gang are wrong. We aren’t the progeny of apes. Evolution suggests species improve upon their forebears. Jennifer Love Hewitt and her vajazzling subspecies can’t possibly be an improvement. Have you ever seen a chimp or an orang with jewels on her vagina?

Smarter Than Jennifer Love Hewitt