Letter From Milo: Good Advice

January 13th, 2019

As I mentioned in a few earlier posts, money is tight and jobs are hard to find. Like many others I’ve been looking around for something to supplement my income. I was reading the newspaper the other day when I came across the answer to my economic woes. I saw that the newspaper was packed with advice columns. After reading several of the columns I realized that giving people advice is an easy way to make money. After all, if people like Ann Landers and Dan Savage can do it, why can’t I? I mean, shit, it looks easy enough. So, I decided to set myself up as an advice columnist and just wait for the money to come rolling in. Here’s my first column.

Dear Milo:
I am 15 years old and a sophomore in high school. I’ve always had a great relationship with my mom and dad. I thought they were cool. They always told me that I could talk to them about anything and there would be no consequences. Well, the other day we had one of our regular heart-to-heart talks. They asked me if I ever thought about smoking weed. I told them the truth and said yes, I smoked weed a few times a week. Suddenly, they went all ballistic on me, screaming, yelling and calling me all sorts of names. Then they took away my cell phone and grounded me for three months. I don’t know if I can ever trust them again. What can I do?

Milo says:

How can you be so fucking stupid! You must be the dumbest little shit in your class, and maybe the entire high school. What on earth possessed you to tell your parents the truth. Never, ever, tell your parents the truth – about anything! I don’t even know why I’m wasting my time on a dumbass kid like you. I suspect you’re a nerdy little bastard who spends all of his time in his room, watching porn on the internet and jacking off. What you need to do is get out of the house and hang around a pool room or the race track. Maybe you’ll wise up and learn a few things.

Dear Milo:
There’s a guy in my neighborhood who’s making my life miserable. He’s the worst sort of bully and for some reason he’s made me his prime target. Every time he sees me he abuses me. I mean he literally beats me up. I’m always covered in bruises. It’s gotten so bad that I’m afraid to leave the house. Please help me. What can I do to get this guy off my back?

Milo Says:
Oh, man, I hate assholes like that. Here’s a surefire way to get him to leave you alone. It’s always worked for me. Get yourself a gun and shoot the cocksucker. Make sure you kill him. If you just wound him he might recover and come after you. He sounds like a vindictive brute.

Dear Milo:
I married a beautiful woman. She’s got the face of a supermodel and the body of a centerfold. We’ve been married for a little more than a year and some serious problems have come up in our relationship. You see, my wife is sexually insatiable. She’s a wild woman in bed and, to be brutally honest, I can’t keep up with her. There’s nothing she won’t try and she’s getting kinkier all the time. Recently she started bringing sex toys to bed and then she started talking about threesomes and making nasty home videos. But last night was the worst. She told me that I no longer satisfied her and that she wanted an open marriage. She wants to be free to make love to any man or woman who strikes her fancy. Milo, I can’t stand the thought of my gorgeous wife in bed with someone else. I’m at my wits end. Please help me.

Milo says:

You’ve found yourself in a very delicate situation, my friend. Fortunately, you’ve come to the right man for help. I just happen to have quite a bit of experience with marriage counseling. In fact, I’ve got a diploma from the Triple A Marriage Counseling & Bail Bondsman School in Gary, Indiana. As I said, this situation has to be handled very carefully. In order to help you, I’ll have to schedule several private counseling sessions with your wife. My Michigan Avenue office is closed for the summer, due to costly and extensive renovations, which I’m paying for out of my own pocket. While the construction is in progress I’ve rented temporary office space in the Diplomat Motel on North Lincoln Avenue. If you can have your wife meet me there this Thursday at two o’clock, we can begin the process of saving your marriage and restoring peace and tranquility to your home. Don’t forget, Thursday, two o’clock at the Diplomat Motel.

Note From The Eds:
Due to the staggering number of complaints, bomb threats and police queries we are receiving concerning Milo’s advice column, we are suspending the column indefinitely. We wish to sincerely apologize for the offensive nature of Milo’s comments. We do not in any way condone criminal activity, juvenile delinquency or marital infidelity. On the advice of our attorneys, the firm of Leopold and Loeb

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