Benny Jay: The Ozzie Guillen Crossword Puzzle

Got five days `til the next Bears game….

And I couldn’t care less about the Blackhawks….

And the money-grubbing owners have locked out my beloved Bulls….

Help!!! I need a sports fix before I lose my mind.

Just in time, here comes Ozzie…

As in Guillen, former manager of the White Sox, recently featured on the front page of the Sun Times sports section beneath the headline: “Mount Ozzie Erupts!

Yes! I love it when Ozzie erupts.

As you may recall, the last time Ozzie erupted was when he let loose with a  major-league cascade of obscenity-riddled trash talk, diligently taken down by Sun Times columnist Rick Morrissey.

Something about not making enough money. Cause as we all know – it’s all about those Benjamins!

Only problem in that eruption is that the Sun Times bleeped out the good stuff. Left it to our collective imaginations as to what Ozzie was saying.

As in this bit: “If I leave here, I will say, `I leave here because I want to make my [bleeping] money.’ You know why? Because no [bleeping] fans, no [bleeping] Jerry Reinsdorf or [bleeping] anybody is going to take care of my grandkids and put me in a 62-foot boat. That’s why there’s free agency.”

Ozzie and Kenny back in the good old days….

The Sun Times must have received tons of letters from outraged readers, demanding to know what got bleeped out….

Good news – apparently, the Sun Times has learned from its mistakes. For this eruption they give us the first initials for the bad words on the grounds that we still need some sort of protection from the words that most of us use everyday.

Now it’s like trying to figure out a crossword puzzle.

But before I continue – a brief explanation as to why Ozzie’s erupting.

Apparently, he’s mad at Don Cooper, his pitching coach with the Sox, for allegedly being two-faced. Telling Ozzie stuff like – “you’re the man, man.”

Only to sneak off and tell Kenny Williams, the boss, something like: “Man, you wouldn’t believe the stuff Ozzie says about you.”

Just goes to show you – as men get older, the more they behave like little girls….

Now back to the good stuff, like this quote: “Cooper needs to look in the mirror. We all know that Coop was Kenny’s b—-.”

Okay, I’m not very good with crossword puzzles. But I can do this.

Five-letter word — begins with b….

Broad? Board? Bored?

I call Milo, who’s really good at crossword puzzles.

“Think female dog, Benny,” he says.

Oh, yeah – like in that Jay Z song….

I got 99 problems, but a you-know-what ain’t one!

Back to the crossword game….

“Coop is Coop. He doesn’t worry about anyone; he worries about himself. I stuck up for my coaches like a m———–.

Let’s see — twelve letters. Begins with m….

Better call Milo again.

“Think, Benny, think….”

“I don’t know – menstruate?”

“No, that’s ten words….”

“Ugh, menstruation?”

“Benny – I believe the m stands for mother….”

“Oh, yeah — I know that word. Hear it every Monday night at bowling. Speaking of which — wat up, Cap!”

Next quote….

“I saw Coop saying after I left `I can manage in the big leagues.’ But when the games mean s— for two days, it’s easy.”

Speaking of easy – even I know this one. I once heard one relative, who won’t be named, yell at another relative, who also won’t be named, to eat it.

Windows open and everything. Neighbors were like — oh, my goodness, sounds like trouble in paradise.

Finally, there’s….

“The Sox were saying, `yes, we want to f— you, but we don’t want to marry you.”

Hmm — four-letter word, starts with f?

Oh, that’s so easy, I don’t even have to call Milo.

It’s like what Mayor Rahm’s doing to us by doubling our water bills.

Sorry, didn’t mean to get all political and s—-.

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