Benny Jay: The Great Debaters

For the big game against Cleveland, we buy broasted chicken and an 18-pack of Budweiser and drive to Norm’s house to watch the Bulls on his high-def TV.

It’s me and Norm and J Dub and Ross – Norm’s old buddy from the days when they were conductors on the railroad.

Cleveland wins the game, thus ending the Bulls season. As we watch LeBron James celebrate, I say hate the Cavaliers. And Ross says, I hate Cleveland. And Norm says, I hate all them mutha fuckas. And that, my friends, is about the last thing we agree on….

On comes the Lakers/Oklahoma City game and we watch Andrew Bynum – L.A.’s center – dunk the ball.

Norm says Bynum’s his boy – one of the best centers in the game….

I say, he’s not.

And Norm says, name three who are better.

And I say, Dwight Howard, Yao Ming and Lopez….

And Norm says, Lopez ain’t shit….

And I say, he averaged 18 points a game this year – at least!

And Norm says, he didn’t average shit….

And I say, he did….

And Ross says, he might have but it doesn’t matter cause his team only won twelve games….

And Norm tells J Dub to look it up on his Blackberry. Which takes forever to download….

And J Dub says which Lopez brother? Cause there are twins: Robin and Brook….

Brook Lopez, or maybe it’s Robin

And Norm said, we’re talking about Robin….

And Ross says, I thought we’re talking about Brook….

And Norm says, no, Robin….

And I say, no, it was Brook….

And Norm says, what the fuck you talking about, Benny, we were talking about Robin….

And I say, how can you tell me who I was talking about?

And Norm says, well you should have been talking about Robin, cause Robin’s better than Brook….

And I say, are you kidding, Brook’s way better than Robin….

By the way, we’re bellowing as we carry on this great debate….

Somehow or other – I can’t even begin to remember how – we get on the subject of the best European basketball players to play in the NBA.

Norm says, Dirk Nowitzki….

And Ross says, he kinda liked Vlade Divac….

And I say, Toni Kukoc…

And Norm and Ross in unison say, Toni Kukoc? He ain’t shit!

And I say, Next to Michael Jordan, Kukoc was the best clutch-shooter in Bulls history….

And Norm says, C’mon, Benny….

And I say, name one better….

And Norm says, Scottie Pippen….

And I say, okay, there’s one second left in the game and you’re down by one and you have the ball: Who would want to take the last shot: Kukoc or Pippen?

And Norm says, Pippen….

And Ross says, Pippen….

And I say, you’re both wrong – Kukoc!

And J Dub says, you didn’t ask me what I think, Benny….

And I say, who would you want to take the shot?

And J Dub says, Pippen….

And everybody’s roaring with laughter cause J Dub set me up. Led me to believe that he was going to take my side only to join the others. Got me good….

And on and on we argue – voices so loud that  Smokey, Norm’s faithful dog, wakes from his sleep, lifts his head, and looks around to see what all the bellowing’s about.

Never seen so many loud arguers in one room. Reminds me of the great debate my sister and I had at at the pancake house on Clark Street many years ago. She said there’s no difference between one penny and two pennies. I said, there’s a one penny difference. She said that’s not really a difference cause it’s so small that it doesn’t matter. And I said it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t matter – it’s still a difference. And she said, shut up. Which is generally how debates with my sister wind up….

Anyway, the Laker game ends and we head to the door arguing about where we’re going to watch the next playoff game – Norm’s or J Dub’s?

I get into the car and drive down the street. The cell phone rings. It’s Norm. “Hey, Benny,” he says, “Bynum scored 21….”

And so three hours later, we’re back to Bynum.

“Well, let me tell you this, Norm,” I say. “I hate Cleveland….”

“I told you, Benny,” he says, ” fuck all them mutha fuckers.”

Can’t argue with that….

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