Benny Jay: The Glee Club Shares Its Favorite Porn Sites

I’m wasting time playing around with that Internet thingamabob that counts computer hits when I make a big discovery.

The bit I wrote about watching a football game at The Big House in Michigan is our all-time greatest hit.

At least, more computers came to it than any other blog bit.

Quickly, I call Milo to rub it in. Cause before that he’d had the the most widely read blog bit.

Don’t worry — I was very mature in how I broke the news.  I said: “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, I’m more popular than you….”

“I don’t believe it,” he said.

“It’s true. My cousin’s kid Josh — you know, the great singer — sent it to all his friends. Milo, we’re huge with with the Glee Club.”

“I still don’t believe you — go back `n check those numbers….”

So I do. And then I get carried away.  Get all scientific and stuff, making these little graphs with the X axis and the Y axis, like in economics. I’m having the time of my life, feeling all mathematical, when I make another discovery even bigger than the first.

Sex sells!

Or more to the point: If you put sex in the title — particularly the word porn — more people will read the blog bit.

For instance, my previous greatest hit was the bit entitled “My Secret Porn.” It wasn’t even about porn. It was about my love for the Bulls. I just put porn in the title cause I was being ironic or something. In fact, I’d like to take a moment to apologize to all the horny bastards in computer land who were disappointed to realize it had nothing to do with sex and everything to do with basketball.

Quickly, I call Milo again — cause that guy loves any excuse to talk about porn.

“Milo,” I tell him. “Your dick is huge!”

“I know that….”

“No, I mean that thing you wrote about the Fabulous Swedish Dick Extender is the most popular bit you ever posted….”

“I told you, Benny — you can’t go wrong peddling sex….”

“Apparently….”

“As a matter of fact, remind me to send a memo to the Barn Boss: We need more porn on this site….”

“Oh, Big Mike loves porn….”

“Here’s what I want you to do. Put porn in the title of the next thing you write. I don’t care what it’s about. And throw something in there about that glee club. Get those little suckers coming back….”

He’s right, you know. Everybody loves sex, even if they pretend they’re above it. I remember when it came out at his senate confirmation hearing that Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas had a fetish for porn. His Republican backers were outraged — outraged, I tell you! — that anyone would dare accuse any Republican judge of having a thing for a movie about Long Dong Silver.

Personally, I don’t understand what they were so shocked about. Porn’s a multi billion- dollar industry. You got to figure at least a few Republicans are into it.

It reminds me of the time the neighbors invited my wife and me over for dinner.  They were the squarest of the squares — little dumpy creatures. Had Time magazine on the living room table and everything.

They feed us pot roast. Then they say, all innocent like: Wanna watch a movie?

Sure, we say. Why not?

So they sit us on the little sofa in the little living room in their little house and they put on this video. I can’t remember the name. It’s about this guy who accidentally creates a perfume that makes him irresistible to women. As soon as they smell it they have to have sex with him. They got scene after scene like the one where the lady cops pulls the dude over for speeding and then rips off her clothes and begs him to do the dirty to her.

By the way, did I tell you the dude had an enormous penis? Well, he did. Even bigger than Milo’s.

The guy gets this idea to mass market the perfume — now that I think about it, the movie was sort of making a larger point about capitalism. He calls it Gusher. And, oh, I can’t remember what happens next  cause this was a long time ago.

But here’s the thing. As we’re watching this movie on this little sofa in this little house the couple’s moving in. They’re getting closer and closer to where we’re sitting.  Bing! The light in my head goes on: These squares are swingers! They want to have group sex with me and my wife! And Gusher — or whatever the movie’s called — is like the aphrodisiac.

Man, as soon as that flick ends, my wife and I cut the hell out of that house. I guess, we weren’t ready for the big time.

So there’s my porn story. I  don’t have a lot of them. Like Clarence Thomas, I never watch the stuff.

I swear….