Benny Jay: The Crimson Tide

January 9th, 2010

I’m not crazy about college football, but this is the Championship Game, and my guys are watching it at J Dub’s, so what the hell – might as well join the party….

Problem is I don’t really care who wins. In fact, if it were up to me, both teams – Alabama and Texas –- would lose. Cause I hate `em both….

But since only one can lose, I’m left with that age-old dilemma: Who do you root for if you hate both teams?

I decide to go with Texas, cause I hate Alabama even worse.

Norm goes the other way – for the flip side of the same reason.

Thus, we’re set for great debate….

I ask Norm how he can support Alabama, given that it brought us segregation, Governor George Wallace and state troopers beating the crap out of civil rights workers?

And he says that Texas brought us George Bush.

Uh – well, hard to argue against that point.

We watch Alabama’s running back run for about twenty yards.

“Yeah, `Bama,” yells Norm.

“Hold it, Norm,” I say. “I can understand you going against Texas – but how can you say that?”

“Say what?”

“Yeah, `Bama….”

“Cause they’re my team tonight,” he says.

“But to say `yeah, `Bama’?”

He laughs and says: “Go Crimson Tide!”

“Wait, Norm, hold on — I can see quietly wanting them to win, but to say it out loud?”

“I told you, dawg – I hate Texas.”

“But how can you like Alabama?”

“I didn’t say I liked `em, Benny – don’t get that twisted.”

Then he proceeds to tell us a story about how he spent the better part of a year studying at some college in Alabama. Hated every minute of that year. Couldn’t wait to get out. Wasn’t nothing but rednecks and assholes in that state….

“Exactly,” I say. “So how can you root for Alabama?”

“Cause they ain’t Texas….”

“But they’re worse….”

“How many times I gotta tell you, Benny – ain’t nothin’ worse than Texas.”

“Oh, yeah,” I say. And I proceed on my own righteous riff, talking about how I never liked Alabama’s crusty, old legendary coach Bear Bryant. Took him how long – the 1970s? – before he finally put a black guy on the field. Can’t stand Forrest Gump cause they got that scene where he plays football for Alabama. Even hate the song, Sweet Home, Alabama — when the fat guy sang it on American Idol, I started rooting for the gay guy to win. Don’t like anything to do with Alabama. Well, wait, hold on. Steely Dan’s got the song where they go, “Alabama’s got the Crimson Tide – call me Deacon Blues.” I do like that — but that’s it!

When I finish, Norm takes a sip of his beer and very calmly says: “How many times, I gotta tell you, Benny. This ain’t about me loving Alabama — this is about me hating Texas.”

This gets J Dub going about the year or two he actually spent in Texas — lived in San Antonio. “There were some pretty good dudes in San Antonio,” he says.

“Your point?” asks Norm.

“I’m just saying not everybody in Texas is bad….”

“I don’t care. I still hate Texas….”

“You can’t hate the whole state,” I say.

“Why not?”

“Cause, cause,” I stammer, desperately trying to think of an answer. “Cause it’s a big state….”

“Fuck, Texas, Benny – how many times I gotta tell you that?”

The game goes on. Alabama wins. I have to sit through their post-game jubilation. Waving that state flag. Running around the field with their hands in the air. Whooping it up. Throwing Gatorade on their coach….

“This sucks,” I say.

“At least it ain’t Texas,” says Norm.

“I still don’t see how you can take Alabama over Texas,” I say.

“I told you, dawg – George Bush comes from Texas.”

Well, like I said, it’s hard to argue with that….