Benny Jay: Big Fan

I see this really scary movie the other night. Called Big Fan. It’s the one written and directed by Robert D. Siegel (the guy who wrote The Wrestler) about this parking lot attendant (played by Patton Oswalt) who’s a freaking lunatic about sports.

It’s not scary in the traditional way — like Willard or Candyman — where creepy things jump out at you in the middle of the night.

It’s scary in a more personal way, like Siegel puts a mirror to my face and makes me think: Holy shit, is this pathetic little nutcase like me?

The parking lot attendant — AKA Big Fan — lives for his favorite team, the New York Giants, sorta like me and the Chicago Bulls.

So when the movie ends, I sit in the darkness of my living room, while everyone else in the house is asleep, and count the ways that I’m different from Big Fan….

1.)  Big Fan lies in his bed at night and listens to sports-radio talk shows, waiting for the moment, when they’ll take his call and he’ll read his comments from a script he’s prepared….

I don’t do that. None of it. Don’t even listen to sports radio. Well, at least not in my room. Hardly even listen to it in the car anymore cause the antenna’s broken and I can’t get AM radio and neither my wife nor I will take the time to get it fixed. The radio antenna, that is.

2.) Big Fan wears a New York Giants replica football jersey with his favorite player’s name and number on the back….

I own no replica jerseys. Never have, never will. The closest I got is championship Bulls T-shirts from the Michael Jordan Glory Days back in 1990s. Got all six of them, bought them at the celebratory rallies in Grant Park. Wore them so much they fell apart. Now they’re great for sleeping. Call them sleeping T-shirts. They’re soft and comfy. The older ones are tattered and torn and one of these days I’ll have to throw them out. I just can’t bring myself to do it. Does that sound nuts? Maybe. But at least I don’t own any replica T-shirts.

3.) Big Fan is obsessed with his favorite player. He accidentally bumps into him at a gas station and follows him around all night. Winds up buying the player drinks at a sleazy strip club in Manhattan. Something happens. The player gets angry and….

I won’t tell you. Don’t want to give the movie away. Great scene, though. Really, really creepy.

Here’s the good news. I’m not obsessed with any player on the Bulls. I swear. If I see a Bulls player on the street, I wouldn’t ever follow him around. Matter of fact, I wouldn’t even let on that I knew who he is. I’m like that. One time my wife and I saw Matt Dillon — you know, the movie star — at a pizza parlor in suburban New York. He was sitting in the next booth over. My wife was like — “Oh, my God, don’t look now, but isn’t that Matt Dillon.”

I cut her off. Asked her to pass me the red peppers. Changed the subject. Didn’t even look. Had my back to Matt Dillon the whole time. Like he wasn’t even there. Had to prove a point. I don’t worship celebrities! Though now that I think about it, I kind of wish I’d at least taken a peek — just to see what he was eating.

There are other obsessive sports-crazy things that Big Fan does that lead to his….well, I won’t tell you what it leads to. Like I said, go rent the movie yourself (if you live in Chicago, get it at Darkstar).

There’s a great line in the movie where one character tells another character who’s been hit on the head: “How can you have a concussion if you don’t have any brains?”

I love that line. I don’t know how it relates to anything I’m saying, but I love that line so much I just had to repeat it.

Anyway, bottom line is this: Big Fan’s got lessons for us all. Not just sports freaks, but everybody. Cause, let’s face it, we all have something. Some just got it worse than others….