Benny Jay: Post-Election Analysis

In the middle of the morning, my mother calls to talk about the elections we had the other day.

“Did you see the paper?” she asks.

“Not yet….”

“They got one candidate with a check next to her name, but the other candidate got more votes….”

“So?”

“So, why would they put the check next to her name if she didn’t get the most votes?”

Good question. I know I’m supposed to know all things political, but this one baffles me. Stalling for time, while I try to concoct a plausible answer — cause, of course, I have to have an answer for everything — I ask: “What paper?”

“Trib….”

“What page?”

“Six….”

I open the Trib to page six. “What race?”

“Judge….”

“Judge? You’re looking at the little-print results for judges?”

“I wanted to see if those judges I voted against won,” she explains. “What — there’s a law against that….”

“Hold on, hold on….”

I scan the page. I find the judges. Sure enough, one judge got more votes but the other judge got the check next to her name. “I dunno, ma — must be a mistake….”

“A mistake?”

“Yeah, the paper made a mistake. Put the check next to the wrong judge’s name…..”

“I never heard of that happening before — have you?”

“No….”

“Huh?”

“No….”

She abruptly changes the subject. “I went to my accountant the other day and he wanted to know if I voted for the Greek guy….”

“You mean, Giannoulias?”

“The guy who’s running for the Water thing….”

“That’s not Giannoulias. He ran for senate. That’s — oh, what’s her name? It starts with S….”

“His name starts with S?”

“No, her’s….”

“What?”

“Her name starts with S.  She’s a she, not a he….”

“Who?”

“The Greek lady who ran for Water Reclamation District as opposed to the Greek guy who ran for senate….”

“Did she win?”

“They both won — it was a good day for the Greeks….”

“But the Indian guy lost…..”

“Yeah….

“I liked the Indian guy. What was he running for — assistant governor?”

“No, the Indian guy ran for comptroller. The Jewish guy ran for lieutenant governor….”

“Which Jewish guy?”

“Cohen.…”

“The guy who put a knife to his wife’s neck?”

“His girlfriend’s neck….”

“What?”

“He put a knife to his girlfriend’s neck. He forced his wife to have sex with him….”

“He’s disgraceful….”

“I know….”

“Who voted for him?”

“I don’t know — but somebody did cause he won….”

“Well, at least I didn’t vote for him,” she says. “I voted for Link. The guy you told me to vote for….”

“No, I told you to vote for Turner….”

“Who’s Turner?”

“The guy I told you to vote for….”

“You told me to vote for Link….”

“No, I told you it’s okay to vote for Link, but you should vote for Turner….”

“You mean, I voted for the wrong guy?”

“Yeah….”

“Oh, hell….”

I look at the paper for the results for lieutenant governor. “Don’t worry, ma,” I tell her. “Cohen beat Turner by thousands of votes. So even if you had voted for Turner instead of Link, Cohen still would have won….”

“At least, I didn’t vote for Cohen,” she says.

“No — they can’t blame you for him….”

“I just made a mistake and voted for Link. If the papers can make a mistake with those judges, I can make a mistake too….”