Benny Jay: Plushies

It’s early Sunday morning, the car radio’s tuned to Breakfast with the Beatles , and I’m driving my wife to the airport so she can catch a flight to visit her sister….

My wife’s talking and the radio’s playing Chains – you know, `my baby’s got me locked up in chains” — and I’m half listening to my wife and half listening to the song which means I’m not really listening to either one.

I just sort of half hear her tell me that the last time she visited her sister they stayed up all night looking at computer websites about Fluffies….

She finishes talking. A moment passes. All a sudden it hits me — she just told me a story about people screwing while dressed in animal suits.

I turn down the radio and say: “What?”

“It’s true….”

“No, wait – explain that again….”

So — one more time — she tells me about a friend who has a friend who met this guy through a computer-dating service. They go out once or twice and he finally brings her home for, you know, their big moment. And he goes into the bathroom and when he comes out he’s dressed like a squirrel.

“A squirrel?”

“A squirrel….”

“No way….”

“Yes way.  Apparently, there’s this whole world of people who dress up like Benny the Bull or something and have sex….”

“Okay,” I say cutting her off. “Let me get this straight. You’re telling me the guy was gonna screw her while he was wearing a squirrel suit?”

“Yes….”

“And she was supposed to be dressed up like, what – a chipmunk or something?”

“Or a bunny rabbit….”

“A bunny rabbit!”

“Well, I don’t know if she was a bunny rabbit. I’m just saying she might have been dressed like a bunny rabbit….”

“Wow….”

“I’m telling you….”

“So, like — how do they do it?”

“Do what?”

“You know – it?”

“What do you mean how do they do it? How does anybody do it?”

“No, I mean, does he, you know, have, like, a little pouch in his squirrel suit where he puts his thing?”

“How do I know?”

“Well, you know everything else….”

“Well, I don’t know that….”

Pause. I can’t get that image of the guy in the squirrel suit out of my mind.

“So what did your friend do?” I ask.

“She’s not my friend – she’s a friend of a friend….”

“Whatever….”

“She got freaked out and ran out of the bedroom, though it’s not really his fault cause on his Internet dating picture he was holding a stuffed animal. That’s a signal, see, that you’re a Fluffy. Or Pluffy. Or whatever they call it. Only she didn’t realize it until he came out of the bathroom dressed like a squirrel….”

“Damn, you know a lot about this stuff….”

“I told you – my sister and I saw it on the Internet….”

“You’re like a freakin’ expert on animal sex….”

“I tried to tell you about this months ago….”

“You never told me this story….”

“Oh, my god. Yes, I did. I definitely told you this story. You just didn’t listen. You never listen when I tell you about people at work….”

“Oh, no, this is not some boring story about some girl doing yoga. If you had told me about the guy in a squirrel suit I definitely would have been listening….”

“I did tell you….”

“No you didn’t….”

“Yes, I did….”

I could say — no, you didn’t — but I decide I’ll be the mature one. So I stop.

We drive in silence. The radio’s playing Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds.  I’m wondering: How come I don’t know about this stuff? I bet millions of people know this stuff. Definitely, Big Mike and Milo know about this. Those horny bastards — they know all that kinky shit.  But me? I’m always a step behind. Always! And, watch, as soon as I tell someone about it, they’re gonna go: What, you didn’t know about that?

We reach the airport. Say our goodbyes. I head home. They’re playing I Got a Feeling. One of my favorites.  “Everybody saw the sun shine….”

But I can’t concentrate cause I’m still thinking about that guy in the squirrel suit screwing the girl dressed like a chipmunk — or vice versa….

Here’s the thing. Hours later I ask my younger daughter: “Have you ever heard of a Fluffy?”

“A what?”

“You know, guys who dress up like squirrels or chipmunks before sex?”

“You mean Plushie?”

“You heard about it?”

“Duh, dad, everybody’s heard of that – that’s so yesterday’s news….”

See! Just like I told you….

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