Benny Jay: Only an Idiot Would Subscribe to The New York Times

December 29th, 2011

Get an email from The New York Times — says my subscription has expired and if I don’t call this 1-800 number to pay up, they’ll cut off all service.

The email’s got an edge of danger — like it was written by a repo man from Jersey named Rocco.

Here’s the thing about me and newspapers — I subscribe to three of them. That’s right.  Three papers come to my house every day of the year.

While I’m at it — a special shout out to the Alvarez family who delivers them.  Without them, I don’t know what I’d do.

You might say I represent the last of the Mohicans with this newspaper subscription thing.

Certainly, anyone with any sense would have canceled his or her subscription long ago.

In fact, I happen to know that the captains of the newspaper industry got together one day about ten years ago for a conference at a hotel in Reno to plan the future of their business….

The boys in The New York Times subscription department….


“Here’s what we’re gonna do,” the big captain said. “We’re gonna give the shit away.”

“But, boss, how we gonna make any money if we give the shit away?”

“We’ll fire the fuckin’ reporters.”

“Good idea, boss….”

“Plus, there’s some guy named Benny Jay in Chicago who’s dumb enough to pay.”

Based on my informal survey, I’m one of the only people even in the newspaper industry who still subscribes to a daily newspaper.

I’m talking about reporters for the Tribune and Sun-Times. Don’t worry, cheapskates, I’ll keep your names anonymous.

You should hear the bullshit they come up with when I ask why they don’t subscribe….

“I want a paper-free world….”


“My wife doesn’t like the clutter….”


“Only a dumb fuck would pay for something you can get for free on the Internet….”

Speaking of me….

Not sure why I continue to pay for something I could get for free. Probably my stubborn attempt to single-handedly keep this dying industry alive.

Sort of like me and video stores. And book stores. And movie theaters.

Sigh — now I’m really depressed.

You’d think the newspapers publishers would reward me for my years of loyalty. You know — give me a T-shirt or a coffee cup or something.

Instead, I get the above-mentioned email from The New York Times….

When I called, I didn’t even get an operator….


Oh, yeah, back to that story….

I call the 1-800 number. Get a recorded message. Basically tells me: “There’s no one here to help you, so don’t bother us, bitch!”

Well, that’s what it basically says.

Bottom line — there’s no available operators so it hangs up on me.

Not making that part up. The fucking computerized message hangs up on me!

So let’s summarize how The New York Times treats the loyal little dumbfuck who help keeps their business alive.

They send me an email telling me my service will be canceled if I don’t call an 1-800 number. Then they hang up on me when I call.

Yeah, well — serves me right for subscribing.

Wait, this just in….

Get another email from The New York Times. Says to disregard the first email — it was a mistake.

If I didn’t know better, I’d say the whole thing was a scam cooked up by the boys in circulation to see how many suckers would pay twice for a paper that they could get for free on the Internet.

Hmm, not a bad idea. We might want to try it at the Third City….

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