Benny Jay: My War with Netflix Continues

Three or four years ago, when I first heard of Netflix, I declared: I will never, ever sign up!

Neighborhood video stores forever!

Then Dark Star — the world’s greatest video store — went out of business.

Then I stopped going to this other local video store cause it didn’t have any of the old movies I wanted.

Like Shaft’s Big Score — a very underrated movie.

Then the closest Blockbuster went out of business. Then two other Blockbusters that weren’t that close but were still within reasonable driving distances went out of business.

Somewhere along the lines I had a conversation with Roxanne, a friend of my older daughter, who said: “Just sign up, already!”

To which I said: “Never!”

To which she said: “One day you will.”

And I said: “No, I won’t.”

And she said: “Yes, you will.”

No, yes, no….

And so forth….

You might say this whole Netflix thing’s become a battle of wills between me and Roxanne.

Richard Roundtree forever!

 

Then I started going to a Blockbuster that was miles and miles away. Leading Jenny, a friend of my wife, to point out: “You’re spending more on gas than you are on videos.”

And with that,  I raised the white flag.

You win, Netflix — I surrender.

That day I went on line to sign up.

Only to discover my only option was streaming. And I can’t stream cause I don’t have that thingamajig that connects the TV to the computer.

So I called Netflix’s toll-free number and wound up talking to a guy named Glenn. Or Ted. Or Bob. Can’t remember his name. Probably wasn’t his real name to begin with.

The conversation went like this….

Me: I want to sign up for CD in the mail, not streaming….

He: Just sign up for streaming and change it….

Me: Why would I sign up for a service I don’t want?

He: Because you can change it as soon as you sign up.

Me: Why don’t you just let me sign up for it right now?

He: Sir, I don’t make Netflix policy.

That’s when it hit me — Netflix doesn’t give a shit about me.

Roxanne & friends celebrate my surrender….

 

In fact, faithful readers, they don’t give a shit about you either!

Just like Mark Zuckerberg’s not really your friend even though you spend hours of your life on Facebook.

Here I was formally surrendering and they didn’t even know I was still waging war. I was like one of those Japanese soldiers hiding out in the jungles of the Philippines, who didn’t know the war had ended years ago.

Roxanne, on the other hand….

That girl’s so happy, she went to Rush Street, got drunk and overturned some cars.

You know people just love it when they’re right.

In the meantime, several weeks have passed since my conversation with Todd or Joe or John or whatever the fuck his made-up-name was and I still haven’t signed up for Netflix.

Can’t quite pull the trigger. I’ll be lying in bed, drifting off to sleep, and I’ll hear the voices of all the old video stores coming back to me from the shadows: “Don’t do it, Benny, don’t do it.”

And back into the jungle I run as the struggle continues….

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