Benny Jay: Medical Advice

It’s the day after my miraculous recovery — when the stone made of calcium popped out of my cheek — and the word’s starting to spread.

My wife told my mother, who’s calling to hear about it from me.

“You poked the stone out of your mouth with a Q-tip?” she asks.

“Yes….”

“Have you seen a doctor?”

“No….”

“See a doctor….”

“I called the doctor, but there’s really no point cause the stone passed….”

“Has the doctor called you back?”

“Not yet….”

“What kind of doctor doesn’t call you back?”

“Really, I feel fine….”

“Call me when the doctor calls you back….”

An hour passes. My sister calls. She’s at my parents’ house. I can hear them talking in the background.

“Mom wants to know has the doctor called?” she asks.

“No, but….”

“He hasn’t called yet,” she tells my mother.

“He hasn’t called?” says my mother. “That’s some doctor….”

“Benny, listen,” my sister tells me. “You need a new doctor….”

I can hear my father in the background. “He should go to the emergency room….”

“Dad thinks you should go to the emergency room,” my sister tells me.

“No, really — I’m fine….”

“How did you find this doctor?”

“He’s on my health plan….”

“You need a new health plan….”

“I can’t just get a new health plan….”

“Is it an HMO?”

“Yes….”

“Those HMOs suck. Get a different plan….”

I shouldn’t continue. I should change the subject. But after years of conditioning, old patterns are hard to resist. So I try to explain my situation, as though this discussion were ruled by logic.

“The other plan is way more expensive….”

“Stop being so cheap….”

“Cheap! It’s not a matter of being cheap. We’re talking thousands of dollars….”

“You want to be able to pick your own doctor. You’re getting older. You need better doctors….”

“Okay, I’ll get a new health plan,” I say — anything to change the subject.

“You’re just saying okay,” she says. “You don’t really mean it….”

Oh, my God! I try a new tactic. “How `bout those Bears?”

She’s too smart to fall for that old trick. “You need pills,” she says.

“Pills?”

“Yeah, for the uric acid….”

“Uric acid?”

“Yes, all this started cause you had too much uric acid….”

“What are you talking about — it’s not uric acid….”

“Yes, it is. I know cause I have gout….”

My mind says: Change the subject. My mouth says: “How does you having gout have anything to do with me having calcium deposits in my cheek?”

“It’s the same thing….”

“No, it’s not….”

“Yes, it is….”

Why is it that every time I talk to my sister I feel like I’m ten?

I hear my father saying something in the background.

“What’s he saying?” I ask my sister.

“He says you might have infected yourself when you were poking around your mouth with that Q-tip,” she says.

“Tell him the Q-tip was soaked in hydrogen peroxide,” I say.

“It doesn’t matter — you can get germs. He says you should go to the emergency room to get antibiotics….”

“I’m on antibiotics….”

“You’re on antibiotics?”

“Yes….”

“You have to stop taking antibiotics….”

“But you just said to get on the antibiotics?”

“It’s not good to be taking antibiotics for a long time….”

“I only started taking them yesterday….”

“You can build up an immunity….”

“How can I build up an immunity after only one day!”

“You don’t listen….”

“I don’t listen? You don’t listen….”

“No, you don’t listen….”

“I’ll tell you what,” I say. “I’ll take the little stone and put it back in my cheek. Then I’ll go see a doctor and everyone will be happy….”

“Now, you’re just being stupid….”

Well, at least we agree on something….