Benny Jay: Kotex Correction

July 14th, 2011

Here I am, once again, flaked out on the couch, happy as a Bear in his cave, reading Tom Rachman’s The Imperfectionists – great book, by the way – when….

“It’s Tampons!”

My wife — calling out from the other room.

Comes out of nowhere – apropos to nothing.  I have no idea what she’s talking about.

I say: “Huh?”

She says: “I’m reading your post….”

Oh, good – I love it when she reads the posts.

“And?”

“You wrote, Emanuel said take the Kotex out….”

Ah, yes, that would be Eddie Haskell Nation – a masterpiece, if I must say so myself.

“So?”

“He didn’t say take the Kotex out — he said take the Tampon out….”.

An explanation – I quoted journalist Jonathan Alter quoting an unnamed White House aide recollecting that Emanuel once said “take the Kotex out….”

Or something like that….

It was in a book by Jonathan Alter….

By the way, Mayor Rahm denies he said it.

Okay, Mr. Mayor – if you say so….

But back to my wife….

I get defensive. “No, he didn’t….”

She remains insistent. “Yes, he did….”

“No, he didn’t….”

“Yes, he did….”

Hey, young couples — these are just some of the kinds of conversations you can look forward to having, after 28 years of marriage.

“Kotex….”

“Tampon….”

“No, he didn’t….”

“Yes, he did….”

“How do you know?”

“Because,” she says. “Kotex is a pad. Tampon is a thing. Kotex is not something you can take out….”

Pause.

Whoa – never figured she’d get all clinical on me and everything.

Shit. I’m dead in the water and I know it.

I just like this picture….

I’m thinking – how can I not know these things? Fact is, until this moment, I hadn’t even thought about the difference between Kotex and Tampon. They were just, you know, things I didn’t have to worry about.

Oh, so much to learn and so little time in which to learn it!

Though, in my defense, I’ve never used either one.

Too stubborn to admit I’m wrong, I say: “You’re wrong!”

“No, I’m not….”

“Yes, you are….”

“I’ll prove it,” she says, starting to do a Google search.

“No, I’ll prove it,” I say, hopping up the couch and running upstairs to my computer.

Though, now that I think about – what the hell can I possibly prove?

I go to Google and sure enough — there it is in black and white. Tampon, not Kotex. In an article I wrote no less — so I should have known better.

Only makes things worse.

From the downstairs my wife calls up. “I found it….”

I pretend I don’t hear her.

She shouts louder: “I said – I found it!”

I can see she’s not giving it up. So, I have little choice but to raise the white flag.

“You were right,” I say.

“And?” she asks.

“I was wrong….”

Well, at least I made her day.

Oh, yeah, sorry, Mayor Rahm. Didn’t meant to misquote you – even if technically, I didn’t misquote you cause you say you never said it.

Which — just between you and me – no one believes….

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