Benny Jay: Kill Those Emails

July 12th, 2018

I’m chatting with Chuck, while he’s sending an email on his cell phone, and what do I see?

My old friend’s got something like 3,700 unopened emails.

I’m like–Chuck, how can that be?

He shushes me, like sending an email is so important, he can’t be interrupted. That’s when I realize–everybody’s not like me.

Okay, I may have realized this a few hundred times before. But I’m realizing it again in a new context.

More precisely, I’ve discovered another subset of the species: Those who routinely kill their unopened emails, and those who let them pile up.

Chuck’s just the tip of iceberg.

My old friend, Karen’s, got about 12,000 unopened emails.

That explains why she never responds to any of them.

I’m like–Karen, why even have an email address?

A few days ago, I discovered the champ of the unopened email. Let’s call her Jen–cause that would be her name. Other than that, her identity’s a secret!

At last count, Jen had 50,000 unread emails.

That’s 50 as in–fifty-fuckin’ thousand. I mean, on some level, you gotta be impressed.

IMG_1992 (1)

The unidentified Jen is somewhere in this picture…


I think I know how this happens…

You’re busy when an email comes in. So you say, I’ll look at it when I have time. But, by then, five others have come in. And while you now may have time to read one email, you don’t have time to read six. So you hold back until you have time to read six. But by then you have 66.

And so on and so forth until one unopened email’s become 50,000.

In contrast, I view killing unopened email as a form of Ms. Pac-Man, a game I spent much of the 1980s playing.

Just send them to trash–it’s like getting Ms. Pac-Man to swallow those little pellets.

It’s second nature. I do it all time.

In fact, while writing this post, I’ve killed the following unopened emails…

Love your body again.

Charmin toilet paper–you just won free samples.

Real rock hard–drive your partner crazy in bed.

As well as one or two having to do with varicose veins.

Hold it!

Just got an email about hair restoration…

Killed it.

Oh, how satisfying.

Now, where was I?

Oh, yes, Jen and her 50,000–probably close to 60,000 by now.

Please, Jen, give me access to your phone. I’ll kill those suckers in no time.

It’ll be more fun than playing Ms. Pac-Man.

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