Benny Jay: Groupon Gout!

December 2nd, 2010

First the bad news….

The gout game back.

The doctor told me this could maybe happen, and I know I should be used to it by now, but this shit hurts. No joke. I feel like Job. What’s next – locusts?

First it was the right foot. Now it’s the left one. I’m hoping this is the last of it cause after this I’ve run out of feet. By my count anyway….

It really kicked in at bowling. Got a few frames into the third of three games and I had to walk away. Or limp away. Just too painful.

We’re up against the Hawaiians — the team with Bob, the owner of the alley. If you recall, the last time I got gout he told me I got it from too much wacking off.

Interesting concept. Though if excessive masturbation caused gout, Milo and the Barn Boss should have got it years ago.

But, seriously, folks….

I was bowling on this very lane when the gout attacked….

By the way, Bob’s not much help. He’s calling me gimpy. Or fucking gimpy, to be exact. Then he says: “Take your dick out of your mouth and stick it up your ass….”

Not really sure how to respond to that.  But I think you’ll agree the man’s got a way with words.

Near the end of the night, V comes over to give me a lecture on Joe Stiglitz, the Nobel Prize winning economist.

A big-time fan of Stiglitz, V’s still sore at Milo, who attended high school with Stiglitz’s sister at Horace Mann High School in Gary, Indiana.

Well, that’s not why V’s mad at Milo. He’s mad cause Milo contends that Stiglitz would have been a lot better off being a bookie. Like the other brainy kids in Gary, Indiana.

Anyway, I’m sitting at my table keeping score and trying not to cry in pain from the gout, when V walks up, plops down in the seat next to me and asks: “Do you know what Joe Stiglitz won his Nobel for?”

“Ugh,” I say. “Economics?”

“Be more specific….”


He nods knowingly as if to say: I thought so. Then he asks: “Does Milo?”


More knowing nods.


“So, do you want me to tell you?” he asks.

Well, it’s not like I have a choice since I can’t run away — on account of the gout.

He tells me all about it. It’s actually pretty interesting — about how you can’t have free markets without government intervention. Very paradoxical.

And you thought all we did at bowling was fart, curse and get shit faced.

After that I limp home and collapse in bed. Only I can’t sleep cause I realized that I have a book due at the library the next day and there’s no way with this gout that I can get over there to return it.

Andrew Mason hits the big time….

So I get out of bed, hobble over to the computer and get set to go the library website, when I get distracted by this news story about Google buying Groupon for $6 billion.

According to the article, the guy who invented Groupon is some 29-year-old kid named Andrew Mason.

Dang. First Zuckerberg and now this?

Finally, I make it to the Chicago Public library website. Now I gotta figure out how to renew a book. Hmm, lets see….

I click on a thing that says, “to renew.”

Up pops a message that says, “this item has been successfully renewed.”

Wow! All right. I’m feeling pretty computer savvy right about now — like Zuckerberg. Or that new kid — Mason.

Hey, maybe I can get Google to pay $5 billion for The Third City….

One Response to “Benny Jay: Groupon Gout!”

  1. […] hits me hardest when I was bowling last week. Gets so bad that Pat the Plumber – one of the guys in the league – takes pity on me […]

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