Benny Jay: Dude Looks Like a Lady!

March 15th, 2012

For the big Chicago journalistic event of the year, I tell my wife it’s time to dress me.

That big event would be the annual Studs Terkel-award reception, where my distinguished colleague — the great Mick Dumke — is being honored.

And when I say my wife’s dressing me, I don’t mean she’s literally putting the  clothes on my body, as fun as that might be.

No, I mean, I want her to select my attire because I don’t trust myself to come up with a color-correct ensemble. I’ve learned this after a lifetime of  putting together mismatched shirts, pants, shoes and socks.

Furthermore, we agree I don’t want to embarrass myself by looking schleppy in a large assemblage of my peers.

So before she goes to work, she lays out what she wants me to wear — the pants, jacket, shirt, shoes and belt.

Actually, I’m not sure about the belt. I’ve never seen it before.

But it is laying across the shoes. Why else would she leave the belt on the shoes if she didn’t want me to wear it?

Whatever —  on goes the belt and to the show I go.

We were paying tribute to the great Studs Terkel…..


And what a great show it is!

So let’s give a mighty Third City shoutout to Thom Clark and his gang at the Community Media Work Shop. They got dancing girls and everything.

Don’t really have dancing girls.

I see all sorts of old friends I haven’t seen in years. Meet lots of nice new people. Plus, I get out in time to watch the Bulls put a whooping on Miami.

All together now: Thank you, Johnny Luke!

And: Fuck the Heat!

Anyway, when my wife sees me she says: “Why are you wearing my belt?”

The belt looked a little like this, only it’s black….


And I say: “What’s the matter with this belt?”

“It’s a woman’s belt.”


“It’s my belt — you’re wearing my belt.”

I look at the belt. Now that I think about it — the buckle does look a little, oh, feminine.

Immediately, I take the offensive. “Why would you put out your belt for me to wear?” I ask.

“I didn’t put it out for you to wear.”

“Yes, you did — it was on my shoes….”

“It just happened to be next to your shoes. Can’t you tell the difference between a man’s and a woman’s belt?”

At which point my younger daughter walks in.

“Dad, why are you wearing mom’s belt?”

“I thought this was the belt I was supposed to wear.”

“Couldn’t you tell it was a woman’s belt?”

At which point, my daughter calls out to her friend who’s in the other room: “Hey, Kyleigh — my dad’s wearing my mom’s belt.”

Well, as long as they’re entertained, I’m happy.

Here’s the thing. I wore that belt all night at the big journalistic event of the year. And no one — absolutely, no one — mentioned that I was wearing a woman’s belt.

So either they were thinking without saying: Dang, that dude’s into some kinky shit.

Or they didn’t notice.

Well, it was a room filled with journalists. Let’s be honest, none of them would know the difference any more than I did.

8 Responses to “Benny Jay: Dude Looks Like a Lady!”

  1. Keith J Porter ( Cap ) says:

    I hate to tell you this, Benny, but they noticed. They just didn’t have the balls to tell you.Your journalist friends are different from your bowling friends cause we would have been on the floor laughing our asses off, if we caught you wearing your wife’s belt.

  2. Benny Jay says:

    You make an excellent point, Cap. Good thing I never get dressed up for bowling.


  3. Cousin Robert says:

    Thanks a lot, you clueless asshole! We’re on our way to the annual synagogue brisket bake-off competition where Jennie is going to defend her title and I can’t get her up off the floor because she’s laughing so hard at your lame ass!

  4. Cousin Robert says:

    Sorry. I got carried away. We’re back and she took third place. Not bad. The competition was plenty stiff this year.

  5. Benny Jay says:

    Actually, I’m starting to realize I look pretty good in a woman’s belt.

  6. Benny Jay says:

    Third place? An outrage! Clearly, the fix was in. I heard they gave first place to the cantor’s wife.

  7. Cousin Robert says:

    The cantor is a woman, Ben. Showing a biaz, are we? Jennie does say that the second place winner stole her recipe, though. A rabbinical convention is being assembled to thoroughly thrash the whole situation out. BTW, she seriously doubts that you actually wore the belt. She figures you asked Pam about the belt prior to getting dressed and she ridiculed you at that point, after which you made up a very funny story. After all, that’s what great artists do. R.

  8. Benny Jay says:

    politically incorrect — again!!!
    sad to say, the story’s true. i wore the belt. don’t let it get around….

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