Benny Jay: Dog Do

My wife takes Nicky, the dog, to the vet for a checkup – ringworm, or something. I’m not really sure.

Comes back and tells me – “I got to tell you something….”

I’m right in the middle of writing – ideas all fresh and vulnerable. If I don’t get them down, they’re lost forever. That sort of thing.

“Not a good time,” I say.

“No, I have to tell you….”

I sigh, put down my pencil, and turn to face her.

“What?” I ask.

“It’s about the dog….”

“What about her?”

“It’s…Well…Ugh…Uhm….”

Uh-oh, not a good sign. I’ve learned that if what you have to say can’t be said outright, it really means you don’t want to say it at all.

Happy Nicky — before the scalping….

“I took Nicky to the vet,” she says.

“Yes, I know….”

“And the vet shaved her butt….”

I look at my wife. She nods her head, like I’m supposed to know what this means.

“And you’re telling me this because?”

“Well,” says my wife. “For the next few days, you’re probably going to see more of Nicky’s butt than you want to. Here – let me show you….”

She calls the dog over and leans down to grab her. But the Nicky slips away. I get off my chair to grab her. But she gives me the side step. I swear that dog knows what we’re up to. When we go left, she goes right – quicker than a bed bug. Got us going in circles, as the song says.

Finally, my wife collars her and turns her around so I can see her buttocks and – What the fu!!!

“Oh, my God!” I exclaim.

“I told you,” says my wife.

“What did that vet do to our poor dog?”

“I know….”

“She looks like a freaking baboon….”

My hand to God, it was almost this bad….

“Well, it’s not that bad….”

“This is a humiliation – the dog’s gonna get a complex. Everywhere she goes, people are going to see right up her ass….”

“It’s not my fault….”

“Well, whose fault is it?”

“I didn’t do it….”

“Why would you have the vet shave her ass in the first place?”

“I thought it was getting shaggy back there – she was shedding. And it was getting dirty when she poohed….”

“Okay, first of all, more details than I need. And second of all, dogs don’t pooh, they crap….”

“So, the vet gave her a trim….”

“It’s more like a scalping….”

“It’ll grow back….”

“How the hell am I gonna take her for walks – she’s gonna have to wear a diaper….”

I’m telling you – for the whole conversation, Nicky’s sitting there looking up at us like a spectator at a tennis match, with her head going back and forth watching whoever’s talking.

Fast forward several hours. I’m walking her. It’s dark – no one can see us. I pass a neighbor.

“Hello,” he says.

“Hey,” I say.

He pauses as we pass.

“Ugh,” he says. “Is there something wrong with your dog?”

“No, nothing….”

“What happened to her ass?”

Oh, brother….

Editor’s Note: If you still want more dog stuff — and, let’s face it, some of us just can’t get enough, check out Brenna Swift’s latest….

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