Benny Jay: Derrick Rose is Pregnant?

April 19th, 2012

The day’s hot topic is Derrick Rose’s pregnancy. Well, not specifically Derrick’s pregnancy, but his girlfriend’s pregnancy.

Derrick can do lots of amazing things on the basketball court, but getting pregnant is not one of them.

For that matter, he can’t get pregnant off the basketball court either.

I know Derrick’s girlfriend’s pregnant because I read it in Stella’s Sun-Times gossip column.

“Bulls superstar Derrick Rose is going to be a daddy,” Stella wrote. “According to my sources, Rose and his girlfriend are expecting their first child probably in October.”

After explaining that Rose recently signed a multi-gazillion dollar contract, Stella concluded: “Pampers will not be a problem. Congrats to the parents to be.”

Oh, that Stella — she’s got a million of them!

A few days later, however, Stella wrote a clarification.

Jay’s wearing the dress, but he’s not pregnant….

 

Turns out Stella’s usually takes a strong stand against marriage-less pregnancies — in particular, blasting Bears quarterback Jay Cutler for impregnating his girlfriend, Kristin Cavallari.

So….

If it’s wrong for Jay to impregnate his girlfriend isn’t it also wrong for Derrick to impregnate his?

Excellent question! And one which dozens of Sun-Times readers demanded that Stella answer.

To her credit, Stella offered this explanation: “Go fuck yourself!”

Sorry — that’s what Milo said to the thousands of cat lovers who denounced him for all the nasty things he’s been writing about Otis, his cat.

Stella wrote: “I just got caught up with breaking a major story for my deadline and was not focused on sharing my well-documented personal viewpoint.”

Fair enough.

But then she muddied the waters by offering “congrats to Jay & Kristin, too!”

I remember seeing something about a pregnant man on Oprah….

 

So is she raising the white-flag of surrender on the celebrities impregnating their girlfriends thing? Or is it another deadline issue?

Keep it here for updates.

In the meantime, in my search for guidance, I checked in with Alice, a longtime reader who’s an expert on celebrity pregnancies because….

Well, I’m not sure why she’s an expert. I just checked in with her anyway.

“Is it okay for Derrick Rose to impregnate his unmarried girlfriend?” I asked

To which Alice responded: “I wouldn’t mind if Derrick Rose impregnated me.”

Something you should know about Alice — she loves Derrick Rose!

“Thanks for sharing that with me,” I said. “But that’s not what I was asking.”

“Well, wouldn’t you want Derrick Rose to impregnate you?” she asked.

Whoa, kind of caught me off guard with that one.

“Ugh,” I stammered. “Can I get back to you on that?”

“Come on — be honest.”

“Well….”

“I mean, if you magically got the ability to have Derrick Rose’s child, would you have it?”

“I don’t know — how about we start with an adoption and see where that takes us?”

Just to be sure about The Third City’s official policy, I called Milo, our Society, Religion and Lifestyle Editor.

Speaking of things people are eminently not qualified to do.

“Hey, Milo — is it wrong for Derrick Rose to impregnate his unmarried girlfriend?”

“I don’t give a shit, as long as it doesn’t affect his game,” he said.

There you have it, folks. More words of wisdom from your friends at The Third City.

2 Responses to “Benny Jay: Derrick Rose is Pregnant?”

  1. Keith J Porter ( Cap ) says:

    Hey, Benny: For the record, I love Derrick Rose. With that said, there is no reason D Rose’s girlfriend should be pregnant. He should have wrapped that `thang’ up tight as hell. I would have put on four or five condoms at the same time. He is going to have women waiting for him everywhere he goes. He is young rich and he should be able to fuck when he wants and who ever he wants. The media will push for a marriage from him now. He should have asked Derek Jeter of the New York Yankees how it’s done.

  2. Benny Jay says:

    As always, you make an excellent point, Cap. And one I’d not thought of….

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