Benny Jay: Denzel to the Rescue

December 19th, 2010

It’s the first game since Joakim Noah got injured and the Clippers are clobbering the Bulls.


I can’t take it anymore. It’s one thing to lose, it’s another thing to lose to the Clippers.

So who do I turn to for escape?

Denzel. As in Washington. My man!

My wife and I head over to check out Unstoppable. Which I keep calling Runaway Train. Cause that’s what it’s about.

There’s this big train flying down the track and it can’t be stopped cause there’s no one on it cause Dewey – this guy who looks like someone I know but can’t quite place – jumped off it.

I’m not sure why Dewey jumped off it, but he did and now the train’s going faster and faster and everyone’s freaking out….

As you can see – great flick!

Meanwhile, Denzel is on this other train with this young guy who my wife says looks kinda hot.

All right, calm down – he’s not that hot.

Denzel saves the day — as always!

Denzel’s playing one of those good Denzel characters – like in John Q – as opposed to one of those bad Denzel characters, like in Training Day.

Just thinking about the good Denzel makes me think of Remember the Titans and it hits me: I know where I’ve seen Dewey! He’s the fat guy who played offensive guard for the Titans. Or was it defensive tackle?

But back to Runaway Train – I mean, Unstoppable….

Denzel and the hot-looking young guy (who’s really not that hot looking), are on this other train that’s racing to catch up to the runaway train so they can hook one to the other and keep the runaway from going off the curve that goes right through the heart of this town called Stanton.

Which I’m pretty sure is a made-up name….

If the train’s going too fast when it hits that curve, it will fly off the track and crash into the big oil refineries that just happen to be under the curve. By the way, there’s a huge cargo of toxic chemicals on the runaway train.

God, I love this flick!

I don’t want to give away too much of what happens. Except that you can probably imagine that Denzel is not going to die – this being a Denzel Washington movie.

He’s not that cute….

Though, now that I think about it, he does die in Cry Freedom and Malcolm X. Of course, in those flicks he’s playing historical figures who actually did die in real life. So he has to die, unless they’re rewriting history, like Quentin Tarantino did in Inglorious Basterds.

Another great movie, incidentally.

But Denzel never dies when he’s playing a made-up character who’s a good guy.

Oh, wait– he dies in Man on Fire.  But the little girl gets away. So it’s sort of a wash.

Oops, hope I didn’t ruin Man on Fire for you.

Back to Unstoppable. It’s so good I’m yelling at the screen. Like: “Denzel.” Or: “My man, Denzel.” Or: “Look out, Denzel.”

Thank goodness there’s hardly anyone else in the theater. Except my wife, who’s so scared she’s practically sitting in my lap.

By the way, I come from a long line of people who talk in movies. Like my father. Only he says things like – “This is shit!”

Anyway, after the movie, I turn on my cell and see a text from my daughter that says: “I can’t believe he missed that shot.”

Right then and there I know the Bulls lost. To the Clippers. The fucking Clippers! Ahhhhh!!!!

Good thing I missed it….

My wife and I go the barbeque joint across the street from the theater, and I eat a big chunk of chicken and we talk about Denzel.

My man….

Leave a Reply:

Comments subject to approval--if we don't like it, we won't post it.

  • Guest Blogger:

    • D-List Celebrity Impersonators: Do you want a famous personality to entertain at your next party but can’t afford Elvis or Streisand? If so, call today, and, for only $19.99, we’ll provide the next best thing. Get your choice of Wolf Blitzer, Maury Povich or Rich Mahorn. Tito Jackson look-a-likes still available.


      A wholly owned subsidiary of The Third City. 

    • The Third City gives a shoutout to Friends of the Parks, for chasing the Lucas Museum off of the lakefront.

      chicagolakefront2“Forever open, clear and free!”

    • The Third City recently learned Donald Trump has a 77 percent disapproval rating among Latinos. Which begs the question: What the fuck is wrong with the other 23 percent?

    • beaverandmom

      High school student charged with exposing himself in yearbook photo, Wally Cleaver says, `Looks like Beaver’s been drinking again!’

    • Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, because…

      Scott Walker :: Republican Clown Sweater

      He’s charging suckers $45 to buy a t-shirt with his ugly mug on it to pay off losing presidential campaign debt. And he says he won’t rule out serving as Trump’s VP. That’s doubling down on his arrogance and stupidity. As TTC reader Jeanne from Sheboygan says, “Nice going, Dumbass!”

    • Archives