Benny Jay: Chicago Bulls Primer

November 13th, 2012

I’m watching the Bulls/Timberwolves game with my older daughter, when she asks: “Who’s number 8?”

“Marco Belinelli,” I say.

“Who’s he?”

What! My daughter doesn’t know all the players on the Bulls? That’s an outrage! What’s next — voting Republican!

Obviously, the time’s come for a primer on the new guys on the Bulls.  So here goes….

Kirk Hinrich:  He’s not hard to spot cause generally he’s the only white guy on the floor.

In fact, a lot of people thought he was on last year’s team. But that was Kyle Korver — a different white guy.

Apparently, there’s an unwritten rule in the NBA that says every team has to have at least one white guy. Except for the Minnesota Timberwolves, who for no apparent reason, have decided to practice this experiment in social engineering where they hire mainly white guys.  Which is sort of like Mitt Romney trying to beat Barack Obama with only white votes.

Good luck with that, fellas!

I love Lil’ Nate….

 

Marco Belinelli: He’s quickly becoming one of my favorites mostly because I like saying his name. You try it. Mar-co Bel-i-nel-li!

He’s on the team because a) he’s a great shooter, and b) he’s Italian. Apparently, the Bulls have an unwritten rule that says they have to have at least one Italian on the team. Last year it was Brian Scalabrine.

We have a similar rule at The Third City, which is why we keep Frank Coconate around.

Vladimir Radmanovich: This is Milo‘s favorite Bull largely cause he’s Serbian.  Which explains why Milo’s favorite NBA player is Darko Milicic. Neither guy is very good. But, let’s face it, Milo doesn’t have a lot of Serbian players to choose from.  It’s even harder for the Jewish fans who are so desperate, they’re rooting for Irwin Mandel, the team accountant.

Nazr Muhammad: He’s the real big guy who plays back-up center. His claim to fame is that he grew up in Chicago and graduated from Kenwood High School. I once made out with a girl from Kenwood High School. So I’ve always had a weakness for Kenwood grads. Though I’m pretty sure I’ve never made out with Nazr Muhammad. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

I’m still not sure about that mustache, Marquis….

 

Nate Robinson: AKA, Lil’ Nate. He’s quickly become one of my favorite Bulls because he’s short, shoots a lot, talks a lot and makes a big deal whenever he scores a basket. Which pretty sums up my game back when I had one.

Marquis Teague: He’s the rookie known for having the league’s best porn-star mustache.  If you’re going to be known for something, it might as well be that.

Well, that’s your Bulls primer, folks. If you have any questions, feel free to call our toll-free number: 1-800-GoBulls!

Leave a Reply:


Comments subject to approval--if we don't like it, we won't post it.

 
  • Guest Blogger:

    • The Third City’s Air Guitar Academy: Hey, losers! Have you always wanted to be a rock star, strutting on the stage like Jimmy Page? If so, for only $19.99, we’ll teach you the basics of air guitar, including Townsend windmill strokes and Hendrix teeth-picking.

      jimihendrixfire

      Order today, and we’ll throw in the Carlos Santana climax face–free!

    • The Third City urges everyone to see Grandma, starring the great Lily Tomlin.

      grandmatomlin

      It’s an outrage Lily didn’t win an Oscar for her performance.

    • In an effort to attract more South American readers to The Third City, Benny Jay is changing his name to Benito Jay. Milo will be Milo Somoza. Rolando will continue to use his real name.

    • johndalyandfuzzy

      John Daly says Fuzzy Zoeller owes him $150k, Zoeller says, `S**t, looks like that fat f**k’s been drinking again!’

    • Democratic sore losers, because…

      Donald-Trump-Bill-Clinton

      They swear up and down they won’t vote for the other Democratic presidential candidate if their favorite loses. Why not just give the presidency to Trump, you whining wimps. Nice going, Dumbasses!

    • Archives