Benny Jay: Brian Scalabrine

Can I say a few words about Brian Scalabrine? He’s the new guy on the Bulls, if you’re not paying attention.

I really like the guy. As a matter of fact, he might just be my favorite Bull.

Well, after Derrick Rose, of course….

And Joakim Noah. Oh, my god, I love Joakim Noah….

And, oh yeah, Luol Deng. Gotta mention Luol Deng….

And a couple of other guys on the team….

But Brian Scalabrine’s really right up there.

The reason I like him has nothing to do with how he plays. He’s really not that good — he hardly plays at all.

It’s the non-playing things he does that I like so much. Like how he high fives the guys when they come off the court.

And how he jumps up and down, like a fan, when the Bulls score a basket.

And I really like how he hovers over the coach during time outs – I swear, the guy gets more TV time than Oprah. Like he’s got something important to say.

In fact, I like how he’s always got something to say. He’s always talking. I can relate. I’m always talking, too. I can have the same conversation three, four, five times a day. Especially if it’s about the Bulls. Don’t get me talking about the Bulls….

You gotta admit — Scalabrine looks like Michael Rapaport….

Or Mark Zuckerberg. As in the guy who invented Facebook. It seems I’ve been talking about him non-stop since I saw the Facebook movie, Social Network, last week….

I can’t get over that Zuckerberg invented Facebook. Think about it, people – all of use it, but this dude invented it. As a matter of fact, if I spent as much time inventing something as I do talking/thinking about Zuckerberg inventing something I might have invented something too.

Just not Facebook….

The thing about Zuckerberg is that he kind of reminds me of a kid I could have gone to high school with.

In fact, I think Idid go to high school with a Mark named Zuckerberg. Only he spelled his name with a c – as in Marc.

No matter….

As I recall, he rarely clipped his fingernails, which were caked with filth.  One time we were sitting at the same cafeteria table, and he was eating a cold piece of chicken, and this other guy (can’t remember his name) asked for a taste.  So Zuckerberg peeled off a slice of chicken with his filthy fingernails and tossed it at the other kid.

It landed on the kid’s tray with a thump. Then the other kid scooped it up and ate it!

Almost forty years have passed since that lunch in the cafeteria and the memory still grosses me out.

But not like Mark Zuckerberg….

Anyway, back to Scalabrine….

Another reason I like him so much is that he looks like Michael Rapaport, one of my favorite movie actors. You know, the guy who was in Bamboozled and Small Time Crooks and Zebrahead – I really, really, really liked Zebrahead.

Which reminds me of a recent conversation I had with Tony – the world’s greatest hygienist – when he was cleaning my teeth.

“Hey, Tony,” I asked. “Has anyone ever said you look like Justin Timberlake?”

“Black people tell me that all the time,” Tony answered. “But you’re the first white person to tell me that….”

And I’m like – either you look like Justin Timberlake or you don’t. I mean, what does race have to do with it?

And Tony says, well, it could be that black people don’t see white people as much as white people see white people, so maybe black people can’t differentiate between white people as well as white people can. So maybe they think I look more like Justin Timberlake than I really do. You know, like the reverse of white people saying all black people look alike….

I almost bought it, then I thought: Hey, wait a minute – I’m white! And I’ve been looking at white people my whole life. And let me tell you – Tony looks like Justin Timberlake.

Who was in the Facebook movie, by the way.

Justin Timberlake, that is, not Tony….

So where was I? Oh, yes, Brian Scalabrine.  I really like that guy a lot….

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