Benny Jay: Bill Gates

For reasons not clear to me, I’ve been assigned the task of fixing The Third City‘s computers.

Curious choice. I think I know less about computers than any man alive. Except, of course, for Milo. It’s staggering, really, to consider just how little that man knows about these things.

Anyway, when something goes wrong with the Third City’s system — and something’s always going wrong with the Third City’s system — the boys call on me to fix it. Or at least track down some dude who can fix it. Which is a whole lot harder than you’d think. One thing I’ve been learning after almost a year and a half in the blogging business, there’s not a whole lot of people who know a whole lot of things about computers. Except for real basic stuff, like posting a picture on a post. Which can’t be that hard cause even I know how to do it.

In fact, I’m starting to realize that most people don’t know shit about computers. Their knowledge is as wide as the ocean and as deep as a ditch. They download a song and they think they’re Bill Gates. But ask them to do something substantial — you know like fix just one of the many flaws in our system — and they’re as clueless as I am. The only difference is that they won’t admit it.

Most people think they’re as smart as this guy….

For instance, you might have noticed that the ads on the home page repeat themselves. You got Coping with the Cubs, followed by Hoop Dreams, School Boy, Sharon Thacker, Monroe Anderson and Fox Hair. And then you got Coping, Hoop Dreams and so on.

That’s what I mean by repeating themselves.

I’ve asked about six different computer geniuses to help me fix that flaw. They come over, stare at the ads, look at me, and shrug.

A day doesn’t pass without a conversation between Milo and me that goes something like this:

Milo: That ad shit is fucked up….

Me: I know….

Milo: It repeats….

Me: I know.

Milo: We gotta fix that fucker….

Me: I know…..

Pause. Silence. Having exhausted everything we have to say on that topic, we move on to the Bulls, a topic of conversation we’ll never exhaust.

Which brings me to the real topic of today’s blog bit — my recent success as a computer genius….

I’m on the phone with El Dragón, one of our ace bloggers, putting the final touches on his tribute to his brother, the cop.

El Dragón and I fix my computer….

I’m typing in his by line and it occurs to me — it doesn’t look right. So I ask him: How do I get that little thingamajig over your last name?

“You mean the accent mark?” he says.

“Yeah….”

“Okay,” says El Dragón. “Press the Alt key and I and S.”

“Did you say F?” I ask.

“No, S….”

I follow his directions.

“What happened?” he asks.

“I dunno — this weird thing came on the screen….”

“What weird thing?”

“It looks like a big square with a bunch of cubbyholes in it….”

“Cubbyholes?”

“Yeah, and each cubbyhole has a symbol in it….”

“A symbol?”

“Yeah, all kinds of weird Greek-looking shit, like hieroglyphics….”

“That’s Egyptian — not Greek….”

“Whatever….”

“Is there an accent mark in one of the cubbyholes?”

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure….”

“Make the cursor go up and down….”

“The cursor won’t go up and down.”

“What’s it doing….”

“There is no cursor….”

By the way, we’re dropping F-bombs left and right. I may not have told you this, but my man, El Dragón, cusses like a sailor.

Suddenly, I have a bolt of inspiration. I copy El Dragón from the text he sent me and paste it into this text.

It works!

I sit back all happy and shit — looking at that accent mark. Feel like Bill Gates. No wonder they put me in charge of the computers….

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