Benny Jay: Did I Tell You Barack Obama Knows My Name?

July 21st, 2009

I’m sitting in my car, waiting for my wife to come out of the carry-out store with the broasted chicken — uhm, uhm, uhm, broasted chicken — when I see her approach this guy in the parking lot and give him a hug.

Who can that be? I look closer. Oh, no — it’s Larry!

I haven’t seen him in years. When I met him way back in the eighties, he wasn’t such a bad guy. But then he made it big in advertising — making commercials with all the hot shots — and he turned into the world’s biggest name dropper. An A-one topper: No matter what you say, he has to top it.

For instance, if I say, I went to the Cubs game, he says: “I had Sammy Sosa‘s front row seats….”

If I say, I saw the Bulls play. He says: “I met Michael Jordan….”

If I say, I really liked Woody Allen‘s latest movie, he’ll say: “I just had lunch with Woody Allen.” Only he wouldn’t call him Woody Allen. He’d call him Woody — like they’re best friends.

Anyway, here he comes. I think about running out the back door, but it’s too late. Gotta take it like a man.

I put on a big phony smile. I hold out my hand to shake his. I tell myself: Don’t hate, don’t hate, don’t hate. Hating hurts the hater more than it hates the hated….

I say: “Hey, Larry….”

I think: How long will it take before he drops a name and which name will he drop?

He says: “How ya’ doin’, man?”

I run through some possibilities: Derrick Rose, Bono, Sean Penn….

“Did I tell you, I worked on the Obama campaign?” he says.

Oh, my God — forget basketball players, rock stars or actors. He’s going straight to the top.

“No,” I say, straining to look interested.

“We hooked up through David….”

As in David Axelrod, Obama’s chief political strategist….

“David and I go back at least twenty years — we’re really good friends….”

I’m sure he was at your briss….

“David called me up and said, `Larry, I want you to work on the presidential campaign….”

Of course, cause they never would have won Iowa without you….

“But Barack and I go back to his senate campaign….”

Right. Larry and Barack — best friends forever….

“In fact, this is a really funny story that you’ll like….”

I’m sure it’s not funny and I won’t like it….

“So after the election, and David calls me to Washington to work on this shoot. I’m sitting in this room, got my feet up on the table and I’m talking to my sister on my cell phone. It’s top security, you can’t get into the room without going through all this Secret Service. Timothy Geithner walks by. Rahm Emanuel walks by. Then Barack walks by. He sees me sitting there and he waves….”

“Wow,” I say. “Great story….”

“But, wait there’s more….”

Oh, fabulous — my lucky day!

“He comes back and he walks into the room. I say to my sister, `I gotta go — I’ll call you right back!’ And Barack says: “Hey, Larry, how ya’ doin’?”

You were right — it’s a howler. I’m so glad you took the time to share it with me….

My wife gets into the car with the chicken.

“See you around,” says Larry.

Not if I see you first, thinks I.

As I drive off, I’m saying to myself: Don’t hate, don’t hate, don’t hate….