Benny Jay: Mom Calls

In the middle of the afternoon, the phone rings — it’s my mom, calling from her cell phone.

“What do you want?” she says.

“What do I want?” I respond. “You called me….”

“No, I didn’t — you called me….”

Pause. This must be some sort of joke. “Are you joking, ma?” I ask.

“No, I’m not joking….”

“Ma, you called me….”

“No, I didn’t. You called me….”

I start to worry. This can’t be good. She doesn’t remember a call she made seconds after she makes it? Sounds like stage one of dementia to me.

I decide to stay calm and be logical: “OK, let’s look at it this way. Did your phone just ring, and did you answer it and say, `hello’?”

“Yes….”

“What!”

“Well, no. I saw the cell phone on the table. I looked at it and it said you called. I pushed a button to see when you called and all of a sudden you were on the phone.”

Phew, thank goodness. It’s not dementia. It’s — she still doesn’t know how her cell phone works. I mean, she’s only had it for, what, two years? These things take time.

“Okay, ma, here’s what happened,” I explain, relishing the opportunity to look really smart about phones. “When you pushed that button, you called me….”

“I did?”

“Yes, and I can prove it….”

“How?”

“Here’s how. I’ll call you back on your home line. Then I’ll show you which buttons to push on your cell phone, so you can go into your call directory to find out who called who — get it?”

“Oh,” she says, obviously impressed with my brilliance.

“So, I’m going to call you,” I say.

“Okay,” she says.

“Don’t get on the house phone….”

“I won’t….”

“I mean it — I’m calling you back as soon as I hang up on this phone….”

“Okay, already — I won’t get on the phone.”

I hang up. I immediately call her house phone. The line’s busy.

“Agh!!!!”

I call again.

Still busy.

I call again and again and again — busy every time. I think: This is part of a plot to drive me insane.

I go back to what I’m doing. Five or ten minutes pass. My phone rings. It’s my mom, calling from her cell.

“What, you forgot to call your mother?” she asks.

“You’re phone was busy. I told you not to get on your phone, and the first thing you do is you get on your phone….”

“You’re not going to believe this, but right after I got off the phone with you, you cousin, Robert, called. He’s on the phone with your father….”

“Oh, my God….”

“It was so much easier before they had all these phone gadgets — right?”

“Yeah,” I say. “Oh, for the good ol’ days of the carrier pigeons….”

“Don’t be fresh….”