-Let me help you out to the car, Mrs. Schwartz. Have a seat in this wheelchair.
-That is not necessary. I might be old but I am not frail.
-I know, but it’s hospital policy. I have to wheel you out.
-Well if you must. Thank you, young man. My girl should be around with the car shortly.
-Alright, we’ll just wait for her by the ambulance entrance.
-That will be fine, thank you.
-So what’s the plan for the rest of your afternoon? It’s a beautiful day out today.
-We are headed to the movie house to watch a film.
-Sounds like fun.
-I’m here till late. Got a long day ahead of me.
-Do you like Obama?
-Uh, I guess he’s alright.
-Cause they are going to peach him.
-I think you mean impeach, Mrs. Schwartz.
-What did I say?
-You said peach.
-No I did not.
-Ok, never mind. Who is?
-Because he does not do his job, which, I cannot understand why he does not.
-I take it you’re a republican?
-Yes. I am a republican.
-Well, do you like Obama?
-Oh, yes. He seems like a nice man. Very sincere. But you never answered my question. Do you like him?
-I guess. I’m not really a fan of most politicians, but I don’t think he’s a bad guy.
-I see. But do you know what else he is going to do?
-Do you know all those immigrant children? He is going to let all the immigrant children stay.
-Where in the hell is he going to put all of those immigrant children?
-Well, Mrs. Schwartz, I don’t think he has to put them anywhere. They’re already here. Some folks just want them to stay cause they grew up here.
-Well they are going to peach him for that, for sure. Do you remember the last president they peached?
-I was very young, but yes, I do.
-That rotten Clinton. He refused to do his job either. Chasing women and lying was his idea of what being the president was.
-Again, I was young, but I think the impeachment didn’t work out. The Senate cleared him and he finished his term.
-I am pretty sure you are wrong, and they will peach Obama. You mark my words.
-There is my girl now. I will be fine from here. Thank you, young man.
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-Hey, New Kid, you got a minute?
-Yeah, Frank. Whatcha need?
-I just need help with this guy in room 19.
-You got it, Frank.
-Great, grab some patient labels off the counter there for this guy and come on in. It’ll only take a minute.
-Ok….Why are all the lights off?
-Cause we do that sometimes for the families.
-Hold on, I need to grab a bag out of the closet….
-A bag for what, Frank?
-For the patient, dummy. You get those labels?
-Yeah, Frank. Here you go.
-Let’s see…. One for the belongings, one for the outside of the bag and one for the toe. Alright, we’re set.
-Hey, New Kid, you wanna learn something, or what? Stop with all the questions and pull that sheet off the patient. I’m trying to teach you the job.
-Alright, alright. It’s just that… Oh, fuck. It’s a dead body.
-Of course it’s a dead body. The patient died an hour ago. Where the fuck were you when the radio nurse screamed out “arrest” and all the loud alarms were dinging and a dozen people were screaming shit back-and-forth, like, he doesn’t have a pulse?
-I don’t know. In another room. I’ve never seen a dead body before.
-Hey, sit the fuck down before you pass out. You look like shit.
-I’m fine. No, I’m good. Let’s do this, Frank.
-For fuck’s sake, New Kid. They’ll just hire any bastard that watched a medical TV show and thought it’d be cool to work in an ER, won’t they?
-I’m sorry, Frank. Seriously, I’m good.
-You pass out, or throw up, or piss your pants and you won’t get no sympathy, we’ll just send your sorry ass out on the floor all pissy and vomity to finish up your shift.
-I’m good. Really.
-Alright, roll the body to your side. But cover the mouth with this towel cause shit tends to come out and you don’t want it all over your scrubs or shoes.
-I’ll slide the bag under and we’ll flip the patient to my side and you can pull the bag under to your side.
-Keep your shit together, New Kid. It’s just a dead body.
-I’ve never seen a dead body, I’ve never touched a dead body….
-We’ll guess what, today you get to do both. Now flip the guy to your side. I wanna get this over with so I can go eat lunch.
-Alright, here I go.
-There, was that so difficult? It’s like touching any other human being, only a dead one.
-I feel sick to my stomach…. Oh God did it just move?
-Yes, asshole, cause you just moved it. Bodies tend to shift when you move them. For fuck’s sake….
-I’m sorry, Frank.
-Now I’ll flip him my way and unroll the bag under him, we tag him, zip it up and we’re done. There you go.
-Sorry I got all squeamish on you, Frank. And thanks for taking the time to teach me the job.
-Don’t worry about it, New Kid. We’ve all been there.
-So were you just like me when you started the job?
-Fuck no, are you kidding me? I wasn’t half the chump you are. You looked like you were ready to pass out. And you’re no where as good looking as me, so no, New Kid, we’re nothing alike.
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-Where you headed?
–I finna go over by Mike’s and them house over there right off the Jarvis stop.
-What you gonna do over there?
-Can I come with?
–You know damn well Mike and them don’t fuck with yo dumb ass.
-Well fuck ‘em anyway. I’m on my own shit.
–Yeah? What you finna do?
-I got me this here pint of Cognac and a fresh pack of Newports. I’m going to the crib and get it right tonight, baby.
–You got you some Newports and some yak?
-Best believe I do, baby.
–Can I get a square off you then?
-Nope, can’t even do it. But I’ll sell you one for 75 cent.
–See, that’s why nobody wanna fuck with yo ass. You too god damn cheap.
-I tell you what. Why don’t you come over the crib and you can get more than a square. You can get some of this bottle and a little bit of some break you off right delight.
–Fool, you done lost your damn mind? Ain’t all the Newports or yak in the world gonna make me go home with you.
-I’ll treat you right, baby.
–You’ll treat me dead. I’d have to kill myself if I ever laid down with yo scrawny, dirty, no front teeth having, ass.
-It’s all the same to me, baby. I’mma get mines with or with out you. This my stop. See ya later, baby.
- Last chance, baby. We can… Turn off the lights, and light a candle. Tonight I’m in a romantic mood….
–Boy, take yo dumb ass on.
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-How much longer to the El?
-We got like five more blocks, bro.
-I’m tired, man.
- You’re lazy, that’s what you are.
-I’m just saying…. We’ve been walking for like an hour.
-Chill, bro. We’re almost there.
-I’m hungry, too. Give me some of those Cheetos.
-Here, take them. Damn you like to complain.
-Just give it here.
-Bro, bro, look at this shit.
-That stroller in front of that building across the street with those two babies.
-They’re alone. Where the hell are the parents?
-That lady over there’s got to be the mom.
-Across the street digging through the trunk of that truck.
-She’s like a block and a half away. And she’s got her back turned to them. Any psycho could just snatch those kids up and run away.
-No one’s going to do that. Who’d try and snatch a couple babies up like that?
-You never know. There are plenty of psychos in this city. What sane parent does that?
-They’ll be fine. Stop tweaking.
-You know what I feel like doing? Scaring the shit out of her so she learns her lesson.
-I’d run up, grab the stroller and start running away with it while screaming ‘I’m stealing your babies! I’m stealing your babies cause you weren’t paying attention to them!’ It’ll scare the shit out of her and she’d never do that dumb ass shit again.
-Yeah. Yeah it would scare her. And it’d probably get you a free trip to County at the same time.
-I mean, I wouldn’t actually run away. I’d stop and snap on her for being a neglectful mother and tell her I did it to teach her a lesson.
-Yeah. I’m sure the cops would buy that story. You really are right. There are some psychos in this city. I’m walking next to one right now
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-You see we got Gasol from LA?
-I saw it on the SportCenter last night. That’s a big man.
-He is a big man. That’ll be a nice one-two threat with Noah down low.
-Where’s he from now? Slovakia? Slovenia?
-He’s from Spain, you dunce.
-I don’t know…
-Another good thing that came from the signing is we got rid of Boozer.
-Right? The man is a bum…
-Worst 80 mil the Bulls ever spent.
-Loved him when he was at Duke though.
-He was great at Duke.
-Pretty descent at the Jazz, too.
-But with the Bulls…
-And what’s with the painted beard and hairline?
-Who knows. Maybe that’s the black guy version of a toupe. Is that racist?
-I don’t think so.
-I give us two years and then we’ll bring the title back home.
-You think so?
-I know so. D Rose will be back stronger and smarter. Noah and Gibson, too, we’ll be unstoppable in the East.
-I hope so. This city needs another championship.
-Either way, I’m just glad we got rid of Boozer. I couldn’t take another season with that bum.
-I did like him at Duke.
-Yeah he was great at Duke.
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-Hello, mam. What brings you to the ER today?
–I feel sick.
-Ok, sick how?
-Well, I’d think you would. Why are you here?
–Where do I start?
-Let’s try with why you came to the ER today.
–Two weeks ago I’m on my way to my sister’s house for lunch. I wanted to have lunch at the deli over on Dempster, you know, the place that has those amazing sandwiches, but she insisted I go to her house. Why she insisted? I don’t know….
-Mam, can we focus on why you’re here today? What’s going on with you?
–I’m getting to that. Don’t rush me.
-I’m not, it’s just that we’re really busy. I need you to tell me why you’re here so we can help you.
– So, like I was saying, I’m on my way to my sister’s house and I stop by the dry cleaners to drop off some of my husband’s shirts–you know, because he’s so busy in his retirement that he can’t drop off his own dry cleaning. God help me, the man is useless.
-Mam, really, let’s get to why you decided to come here. Not two weeks ago. Not yesterday, but today.
–It’s all part of the reason why I’m here. Will you stop interrupting me already? Jeez I thought you were supposed to make me feel better. You’re making me worse with all this aggravation.
-Mam, I’m just trying to understand why you’re here today.
–And I’m trying to tell you, but you keep butting in. Let me finish, will you?
-I apologize, mam. It’s just that you are in the Emergency Room and we are dealing with emergencies. I’m just trying to manage it all in a timely manner, but, please, continue.
–Thank you. So I stop off at the cleaners and drop off my husband’s shirts. I’m pulling out of the parking lot when this punk on a bike cuts right in front of me and scares the life out of me. I slam on the breaks, my purse goes flying off the passenger’s seat and my seat belt locks up and slams across my chest, knocking the wind out of me.
-So you’re here for chest pain related to that incident.
–No. No. You’re not listening.
-Ok, so again, why are you here?
–Let. Me. Finish.
–I gather myself and head to my sister’s and we have lunch. I tell her about the whole thing. She can’t believe it. I can’t believe it. The nerve of this punk–darting out in front of me like that. He’s lucky I didn’t kill him.
-Yes he is, mam…
–So I get home later and tell my husband what’s what. I mean, I’m really tearing into him. It was his fault that I nearly killed someone. He’s going to start taking his own damn shirts to the cleaners. I’m not his slave.
-No, you are not, mam…
–And you know what he tells me?
–It’s all my fault cause I’m a bad driver. A bad driver!
-Mam, please, I really need to move on.
–So that brings me to why I’m here today. I’m just so upset about it all that I’ve developed a terrible headache. I mean, something really horrible. Is there anything you can do for it?
-Sure there is. Just wait here and I’ll be back just as soon as I can. We’re going to bump you up to our number one priority….
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–Jesus that Janet has been riding my ass all shift.
–What are you going to do? She’s just one of those nurses that can be a real pain in the ass sometimes.
–All day long she’s running around the ER screaming out my name. I swear, it makes me hate the sound of my own name. And it’s always on some, ‘Can you do me a HUUGGEEE favor, pleeeeaaassseee????? Like every stupid little thing she needs is the biggest, most important thing in the world.
–I know, man. And God forbid you suggest that it might be quicker if she did it herself instead of waiting around for one of us techs to do it.
–Yeah, it would insult her “I’m a nurse, that job is for techs” approach to healthcare.
–The shit’s annoying as hell.
–What’s really annoying is that we don’t pull that shit on her. If there’s something I can do to keep her out of a room, I do it. Even if it’s not my job. Even if I’m busy as hell.
–Just do what I do to get out of having to do annoying little jobs for nurses.
–Always wear gloves, move around the ER fast and look upset like you’re so busy, you don’t have time for petty shit. Works like a charm.
–Seriously, dude. I do it all the time. I just move around the ER quick as hell from point to point, with a pair of gloves on, looking annoyed as shit, like whatever I’m currently working on is so important, it tops whatever silly request nurses like Janet might have.
–It’s an ER. Everyone is running around busy on one job or another looking busy.
–Yeah. Everyone is running around, but usually not while doing all three. Think about it. If you see someone moving quickly, looking annoyed, while wearing gloves, what comes to mind?
–That person has just touched some nasty ass shit or is about to touch some nasty ass shit–either of which I can relate to and know is annoying as hell.
–Exactly. And? You don’t want to fuck with them or ask them to do some bull shit that you can easily do yourself, right?
–I guess that makes sense.
–Fuck yeah that makes sense. Now, quick, here comes Janet. Put these gloves on and head over to the blanket warmer looking annoyed as shit. And if it doesn’t work, just scream out “Busy!” when she screams your name and keep moving.
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