No Blaise: Hot as Hell

May 25th, 2016

Sweating as I write this, writing as I sweat.

All my Chicago peeps reading this are probably also sweating in some capacity. In it’s usual fashion, my lovely city has decided to cover two seasons and coast over one altogether in a matter of a week. To sum it up for all of my out of town peeps, the beginning of last week was relatively chilly and today I am melting into the ground.

As I sit here, parts of me are actually melting. My hair doesn’t look great, either.

The heat wave that is this week has been especially brutal during recess for my pre-k class. For the morning group, it hasn’t been so bad. We got outside around 9am so the body melting heat has only begun it’s journey down to earth. The afternoon group, however, has recess at 12:50. And the temperature at 12:50 the last three days has been HOT AS HELL.

The swings are usually in the shade during our morning group’s recess. So, I’m usually sitting in the chair swing having various pre-k students push me.  Unfortunately, the only spot in the shade during the afternoon recess is under some trees very close to the fence between the field and the playground.  If I weren’t a teacher of the children playing at the playground the police would probably be called on me for lurking. It’s still possible the police will be called.

“Hello, 911? Sweaty person in sunglasses screaming at children while airing out her armpits by flapping her arms up and down.”

My attempt at being less creepy teacher and more fun teacher is to insist on “Dance party’s in the shade!” These always start with a bunch of kids running towards me to dance, and then after the first song a lot of them run back to the playground because they’re not 80 year old grandma’s like me who need to sit in the shade whenever it reaches over 65 degrees. A few of them stay though, and I let those kids choose the next dance song. I get a lot of requests for “Can’t Feel My Face” by The Weeknd, which is a song very blatantly about cocaine.

Listening to this cocaine love song with three and four year olds is educational best practices.

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No Blaise: Cleanse me

May 18th, 2016

I mentioned in my last post that I did a cleanse, and now you get to hear all about it!!

It all began last Tuesday. I spent Monday night making deliciously bland and grainy quinoa  with fruit for breakfast. It took me until the last two days of the cleanse that my quinoa to fruit ratio was way off. In the beginning I was eating a lot of bland quinoa crap with a little bit of berries, but by the end I was eating berries with only a little bit of quinoa crap. Ate a lot of soup for lunch and dinner. Sometimes I ate salads. But mostly I ate avocados  and raw nuts.

The second worst thing about being on the cleanse was trying to snack in a pre-K classroom. It’s literally the land of snacks. A different kid brings snacks from home everyday, and a lot of them bring either cookies or cheese based products. As you might imagine, neither of these things are on a cleanse.

Cleanse appropriate snacks are:

-Celery with “detox pesto”. Detox pesto is made with cilantro and , as one pre-k student put it, “smells like garbage”. That snack was not brought again.

-Raw nuts, which one child said was “for doggies”.

-Fruit, which thankfully one parent brought for snack. I ate at least 10 pears over the course of five days.

-Cucumber with salt and a little bit of cayenne pepper. I one day I brought this snack I had managed to put far too much cayenne pepper on the cucumber and spent the second half of my day trying to keep my mouth from forming second degree burns. That snack was also not brought again.

The first worst thing about the cleanse was no booze.

When I started the whole thing, I was like five days? I can go five days without booze. I’m a semi responsible human being who loves beer and wine, and basically any cocktail in my vicinity. But five days? I can totally make it five days.

By the third day I was reminded of two things: 1) I have will power (sometimes) and 2) I fucking love booze.

On the following Saturday, my cleanse ended and I decided to ease my back into my favorite past time with a bloody mary. And then another bloody mary. Then I took a break so I could see how my body reacted to this jump back into the boozey deep end. When my insides didn’t melt out of my body, I took it as a sign that my body was ok with me having booze back in my bloodstream.

I also took this to mean that my body would be ok with my eating a lot of mac and cheese while horizontal on my couch.

I’m back, baby.

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No Blaise: This Week

May 11th, 2016

Guess what’s been going on with me guys!?

Well, I found out Thursday that I didn’t pass my teaching licensure test so I’ll have to redo some parts before I can actually get a job. I also found out just how slow my professors are at responding to extremely panicked emails they receive from a student at all hours of the day. My solution was of course to have some drinks on Friday. Solution here means that I would’ve been drinking anyway, but I had a wonderful excuse in case I got too drunk.

I cried? I failed my licensure test.

I ate another dinner from McDonalds? I failed my licensure test.

I tried to force people to do shots of Malort? I failed my licensure test.

These of course are all things I would’ve probably done anyway, but it’s nice to have an excuse every once in a while.

I was feeling pretty ok on Saturday, then I decided, “Eh, I feel kind of crappy. Why don’t I go take a nap?” I proceeded to sleep for about 3 hours and then woke up having no idea where I was. It was about 7pm when I woke up and that’s what I knew, “I am fucking sick.” I felt like I was filled with snot and needed to sleep for 200 more hours.

Unfortunately for my family, the next day was Mother’s Day so I showed up to brunch with them looking like not such a happy camper. I eventually got over that I couldn’t have a mimosa or bloody mary and just begrudgingly ordered soup and tea, along with a large salad.

By the end of brunch I knew I was suffering from something no amount of tea or self pity could cure, so I went to urgent care.

Hey! I’ve got a sinus infection!

When the doctor came into the room I told him that I thought what I had was worse than my seasonal allergies, which are terrible to begin with. After examining me, he laughed and responded, “OH yeah. I think these might be a little worse than seasonal allergies!” and then chuckled some more. To which I responded with an awkward laugh and an internal comment of, “Fuck you.”

One thing led to another, and I got prescribed a very large antibiotic. When I say large I do mean that it was a very high dose, but I also mean that it is a very very gigantic pill. We will see if I survive 10 days of taking this pill twice a day, and we will also see if I survive 10 days without drinking.

Let me pause here on my inability to drink right now.

Since I am on this gigantic antibiotic and it is frowned upon to drink while on antibiotics, I have obviously been abstaining. In the past, I’ve spent like 2 or 3 days getting better and then I’ll slowly add more and more wine to my body. This time though, I’ve decided that 1) working with preschoolers and 2) trying to become a real adult, means that I am not allowed to drink while on my meds. Well, at least not for the first week.

In order to help myself out with this goal, I started a cleanse on Tuesday. I meant to start it on Monday, but I spent too much time feeling sorry for myself on Sunday to get properly prepared.

But, the cleanse is another post all on it’s own.

Wish me luck & sobriety.


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No Blaise: Back to Preschool

May 4th, 2016

This week I began in my preschool classroom for student teaching. As you might have guessed, it’s a little bit different than third grade. I’ve worked with Pre-K aged kids before plenty of times. But it has been quite strange to go from 9 year olds on a Friday to 4 year olds on the next Monday. Just when I had finally broken my habit of needing to holds children’s hands when we walk anywhere, I get put right into a class with a bunch of hand holders.

I went from encouraging children to be independent and work quietly to being terrified when the pre-k kids aren’t making any noise. Free time in third grade means that they’re reading in spots around the room. In pre-k, the kids use free time doesn’t exist because you can’t get mad at them for deciding their best use of time is to draw a mural in markers on the wall or make large towers and then push them over onto their classmates.

When I use my “teacher voice” in third grade, it gave the students the incentive to really listen to me, and so I can stay at that tone all day. In preschool my voice ranges between “obnoxious kind angel”, “Irritated kind angel”, into finally my regular speaking voice saying, “Please just do it.” Not that any of these voice changes matter to 3 and 4 year olds, if they’re not gonna do something, they’re not gonna do it even if you do speak like the tooth fairy. The majority of kids I talk to in my prek class almost always just have the response is, “Uh yeah, no, I’m not gonna do that.” or just blatant blatant avoidance. Or both in some cruel collaboration. One kid has decided that when he doesn’t want to do something I give him directions  like “sit with the class.” or “line up” he responds “Oh, no thank you.” and just walks away.


Now, don’t get me wrong. These pre k kids are cute as hell. They all come in in their tiny outfits and try to pronounce my name. Some of them get it and are like, “Ms. Schmiedel can you push me on the swing?” or “Ms. Schmiedel I’m hungry.” Others try their very best to get the name right. “Ms. Schneedul”or “Ms. Sch…skfdjsfl”. But some of my favorite kids decided to just start screaming across the room for me with the lines, “Hey hey I’m over here!” or “HEY TEACHER, ZIP ME!”

But, at least they wanna hold my hand.




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No Blaise: Getting GOT

April 27th, 2016

Hey, have you guys ever  heard of a show called Game of Thrones? Did you know it’s on it’s sixth season? I bet you did, since 95% of the worlds population has seen every episode. Except, of course, me!

I went to a Game of Thrones premiere BBQ on Sunday, except I didn’t know it was a Game of Thrones premiere BBQ because I’ve been too busy watching the all too relevant television show, X-Files. So, I’m at the BBQ with my roommate Katie, and around 8 everyone at the BBQ is all, “Oh my god, the show’s starting!” and me and Katie are all like, “Ok, bye!”

Which worked out fine, because 8 is my bed time anyway.

Apparently, just being in the presence of people who watch Game of Thrones made me feel inclined to start watching. So, Monday night I started Game of Thrones. From the beginning. I should mention that each episode is an hour long, and consists of as much content as an entire series of most other television shows.

It’s smart of me to start a series five seasons behind just as a new season comes out. Especially since it’s a show that literally gets posted about every day all day on social media. The silver lining is that the shows has so many names in it that I have no idea what people are talking about on social media.

If I tried to post a status at this point it would read something like: “Oh shit, that one guy killed the cool guys friend!” or “That blonde ladies outfit was on point tonight” or “They killed a dog :(

Oh wait. I do know one persons name: Jon Snow. I know it because he’s a real cutie.

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Am I right, or am I right?


This series will probably now take up 95% of my free time.

If anyone needs me for the next few months-years, I’ll either be teaching children something (hopefully), watching Game of Thrones, or asleep.

I’ve actually already had two of my worlds interact, the “Game of Thrones” theme came on Pandora today as the kids were working quietly and so m any of them said, “Oh my god, this is the Game of Thrones theme song!” and we all giggled in excitement.

This is who I am now.

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No Blaise: Spring Break 2016

April 20th, 2016

I initially wrote the title of this post as “Spring Break 2015″ which should give you a good idea of where I’m at mentally.

It’s been Spring Break for a whole two days and so far I haven’t done anything of meaning. Well, I graded some papers today, but other than that I’ve been watching X-Files, getting a facial (aka #treatyoself), laying on the couch, and walking the dog. Oh, also sporadically remembering things I should be doing with my time off, and then not doing them.

I probably haven’t mentioned before that my desk at home is a true pile of crap. As in, I have a bunch of crap piled on it. I usually walk quickly into my room in an effort to block the pile of crap from my vision. But, every so often I get a glimpse and it reminds me of how unstable I really am. Of course this means that I’ve put “organizing my desk” on my to do list every weekend for the last two years, and so it definitely then got rolled over onto my Spring Break “seriously you need to get this shit done” list.

These early days of Spring Break are my favorite times to tell myself that I am going to get all my chores done. Thursday I’m going to spend my day doing the astronomical amount of laundry that’s currently turning my room into a birds nest. That’ll leave Friday for me to organize my entire room and desk into a page from the “Real Simple” magazine. Finally, this weekend I’m going to grocery shop and pre-make all my meals for the next week, in order to deter my body from straight up turning into a Jimmy John’s sandwich.

This last part, about me cooking my own food, is probably the most likely thing that’s going to happen in the above sequence of events. Since, you know, it has to do with the item highest on my list of priorities: food.

I made some headway on laundry today, so that might actually get done too. I even folded the clothes and put them away instead of leaving them as a pile on the basement couch. What will I do with the time I usually spend rifling through that pile to find my underwear, though? Maybe I’ll use that time to clean my desk!

I have so many plans when it comes to my desk. It’s going to have files that’re organized by whatever a category is that you use to file things. It’s going to have just enough pictures of my dog. It already has a beautifully artsy calendar that I keep up to date, so there’s the biggest hurtle right there. I suppose I should also buy a chair to sit at it with….

Anyway, this time next week I’ll be doing #werk at my well oiled machine of a desk, pumping out more lesson plans than those kids can wrap their heads around.

Also my this time next week I will have more than likely have finished the X-Files series and will be looking for another good show to binge watch alone, so keep me in your thoughts. Unfortunately I won’t be able to complete a series quite as quickly as I have been able to over breaks. But I’ll do my best to both teach young minds while turning my own into mush.

Here we go!

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No Blaise: EdTPA ProcrastiNation

April 13th, 2016

Guess who has their application to become a real live teacher due tomorrow? Guess who procrastinated writing up her application materials? It’s me! 

In my defense, I did all my in class work. As in, I taught three lessons and I got filmed teaching those lessons. I also completed a most admirable task: watching the videos of myself teaching. So, since my brain is fried, I’ve provided a blog from the past that describes just how deep procrastination runs through me….


I’ve mentioned I’m in the throws of my usual end of quarter routine–mental breakdown, losing track of days, full life collapse. What I haven’t mentioned yet, but what you probably have already guessed is going on, is my usual procrastination.

Since I make it my mission every quarter to do better with not saving everything to the last minute, I’ve done better with keeping up with assignments. I even have one already (almost) done that isn’t due until midnight tonight.

It’s really great that I’ve been able to somewhat keep track of my work in these two classes, and then I remember that I’m taking a third class, my internship at Newberry, and I’m all like “Oh Shit, I have about 10 week worth of lesson plans and reflections to write in a one week period.”

“Oh shit, I also have two quizzes and a project that consists of creating a months worth of content for a first grade classroom due at the beginning of the next week.” “Oh shit, I also have a full time job.” “Oh shit, I also like having friends and drinking alcohol.”

Oh shit, Oh shit, Oh shit.

So, here I am with a week left in the quarter, and a week and one day away from vacation in California, all “my brais melting do I even have the mental capacity to pull off one more sentence of work, let alone journals, and quizzes, and 20 days worth of relevant lessons for first graders.

The answer to this is: You don’t wanna take these god damn classes over, so caffeinate yourself and GET TO WORK.

It’s always nice to know you’re not alone in a sinking ship/brain explosion/body shut down, so my classmate Kim and I often exchange text messages that go something like:

“I’m confused”

“Me too”

“It’s because my brain is melted”


“It’s because I love wine”

“Me too”

“I’m only one human with one average sized brain!”


“Will we be single forever?”

“It’s looking that way.”

“K cool.”

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